I Welcome This Year With an Open Mind but More Importantly an Open Soul

Hello 2017,

I open my arms to you. I embrace you and the experiences you bring me. I choose to see the light in you that will fill my soul and I choose to accept the shadows that come with it.

2016 didn’t go to plan for many of us. I had one of the most crazy, difficult, passionate, achieved, happy and sad, years of my life and now I choose to leave it in the past. At times I will remember 2016 for the good and the bad, for my many achievements and for the few of my set backs. I will acknowledge this and I will let it go as ‘letting go’ is something I learnt to do in 2016.

In 2017 there will be no resolutions, however there may be some soul goals. In 2017 with my open heart and my open mind, I hope I can hold all that comes tumbling towards them.


A Dream is just a Dream

A year ago I was praying that my life would just fall into place. Everything felt so misplaced and I felt so limited. My mind trapped me and I allowed it.

I started off 2016 with the whole “this will be the best year of my life” thing, but didn’t really believe it. Who knew I would be doing what I am doing now.

Full disclosure here: my achievements do not consist of any extreme sports, promotions, unbelievable acts of kindness or anything too wild for that matter of what.

My achievements are a woman with Generalised Anxiety Disorder who feared they would never find independence in their life, landing a job, getting her license and a car, and taking the road to a more holistic way of living.

To someone with a mental illness that is SO hindering it leaves you physically ill, these achievements are life changing. I never believed I’d be able to go into a workplace and… work. Not because I am a lazy person, in fact I think I am a very hard worker when it comes down to it, but because I doubted I would ever be able to surround myself with unknown people and have my mind focus on anything other than my anxiety.

I couldn’t even attend my doctors appointments without crying out the front of the centre, completely petrified of the waiting room and in fear of making myself physically ill in front of the few people sitting around reading magazines. Now I sit inside, watch the TV, browse those magazines like the other sick people in the room. Although I might feel anxious I now have the ability to mask that enough to function almost normally. I can do what other people can do and I’m proud of that.

I can drive a car, I can go to the shops, I was able to sit through a movie at the cinemas, I can do THINGS!

I know now my dreams aren’t just dreams. Their reachable and the hard work is doable. I might have an extra load on my shoulders compared to everyone else but I’ll just have to be that little bit stronger.

If you take anything away from the post take away the fact that ANY achievement is an achievement and YES you should celebrate it! Did you get out of bed today? FUCK YEAH, you did! I knew you could!

It’s easy to not do anything, it’s worth it to do something!

A Shit Time 

I feel exactly like Bruce Willis does right now as he shoots the paper target angrily screaming, “God dammit! God dammit!” In a Good Day to Die Hard- which is playing as I write.

Except I would be doing that while the tears flow uncontrollably and with a very heavy chest.

My anxiety got the better of me tonight and what a set back it has been.

My partner wanted to go into the city for his birthday with a bunch of his friends, family and me, and hire a hotel and hit some clubs.

I survived all the day, the beginning of the night, but just as we went to leave I broke. Panic took me and I couldn’t get out of it.

My partner wanted to hug me and tell me it was okay and I was brilliant for getting this far but every time he tried I didn’t want him to touch me.

I felt I didn’t deserve to be reassured and that I was pathetic for even thinking I could be there tonight.

Of course I regret those thoughts now, and I am little further out of that dark apprehensive part of the mind to know this won’t hold me back but I still just feel so useless right now.

I feel horrible.

So far I still feel crap, but I’m still positive I won’t let this incident damper any further journeys out of the comfort zone.

The chest pain has gone, the prickly skin has gone back to normal and I’m left with the usual belly ache that makes me even more anxious- but I’m ok! I know I am. I same safe. And I tried.

Soul Searching

Every six months I am obligated to see a nurse at my local doctors. We reevaluate the plan of attack on my Generalised Anxiety Disorder and see what is working and what is not. I always love our little meetings. From day one she was supportive and shared her experiences with the mental illness and also self discovery.

When first meeting her I had a small awakening. It wasn’t much, but she opened me up to being a little bit more accepting of my own nature. She was mindful and it inspired me to be the same.

After a few appointments she informed me that she could see I was a very sensitive person to the world around me. This was the ultimate epiphany. I was oblivious to the fact that I was so sensitive to not only my own thoughts and feelings, but to others and their thoughts and feelings, and when she explained this some things began to make sense.

I could understand now why arguments with friends and families took a very big toll on me, or why the mood of waitress would determine how I felt for the rest of the night. A smiling baby would bring about happy tears and an argument between friends in the street would make me mad.

I consume the universe around me and only now do I feel I am understanding this.

I’m not sure if this will aid in my determination to beat my anxiety but I know it will aid in finding myself. Discovering I was lost has shone a light. I guess you could call my anxiety a blessing… I’ve learnt so much about myself from it.

Before all of this, I would just do what is expected of me. Be intelligent, not too much intelligent, don’t ask questions, do ask questions, go to school, go to University, know what you’re going to do with your life, live a little, don’t waste time; the list goes on. I still am, in a way, a follower but now I am not so naive. My mind is open even when my mouth is not. I am on this journey to mindfulness, to self discovery; I am a soul searcher!

The term soul searcher has really stuck with me since beginning to read Emma Mildon’s incredibly enlightening book, The Soul Searchers Handbook: A Modern Girl’s Guide to the New Age World.

Although only a quarter of the way into the book I’ve already discovered how much of an “enlightened” person I am. She explains how a lighted soul is someone that feels connected to the suffering but also the growth of other beings. I wish there was another word I could use here, but again, I’ve discovered that my sensitivity is due to my enlightenment.

I am so open to others and there ideas or suffering. I am accepting and now I know I am happy to be so. I always thought I was so dramatic to feel and be so affected by the world around me. People I know just ponder through life so untouched by the things they see, feel or hear from others. I didn’t understand why and thought I was a drama queen.

Maybe a lot of other people need to “walk out of confinement” as Emma Mildon writes and it’s not me who needs to move backwards, it’s others who need to move forwards.

I feel this is the beginning of my spiritual journey, so I wish to share it all with you. Although I have other people and other experiences that have aided in my road to self discovery (a long one that I’ve just realised I was on and it has a lot of bumps), I thought to share these with you as it is the first thing that has really resonated with me.

Yes, I love Yoga. Yes, I love meditation and crystals and a bunch of things, but this simple connection between my mind and soul has been a real eye opener.  Discovering my enlightenment has helped me get to know a huge part of myself.

So you’re witnessing the beginning of Teigan’s never ending soul searching road trip! Exciting, I hope you stick around.

Sydney Diaries- An Anxious Woman

DAY 1- 7.50am, Thurs. 15th of September


I am currently cramped between the window of a very small airplane and my sleeping boyfriend. Being up at 3am with about 3 hours sleep has taken its toll on him… And me, we are exhausted. I’m typing this on my phone from the plane on our way to Sydney. We still have 25 minutes left of the flight and I have nothing to do except stare at all the other people sleeping. Not very entertaining, unless of course


DAY 2- 7.00am, Fri. 16th of September


Sorry about that! My partner awoke from his slumber mid sentence and then after that yesterday was just GO go go. Surprisingly, I went really well yesterday. My anxiety was low for most of the day and it was great. It gave me the confidence I need for this trip.

On the plane, for a few seconds I felt enclosed and my skin got hot and my stomach rumbled but it went away and that’s the focus. It will go away, it won’t kill me. I was also overwhelmed by the amount of people in Sydney yesterday. The big city is so daunting and people are so inconsiderate. I could see how this place could drive someone mad… pushing and shoving, in and out of peoples personal space. But I thoroughly enjoyed seeing another, more fast paced way of living.

We walking around the city, through the wax museum, to Harbour Bridge, To the Opera House, it was beautiful. By the afternoon we were exhausted and laid around until 5pm where we walked to the casino ( I hobbled with blistered feet) and bet the tiniest amount because we’re tight asses.



My anxiety began to spark a little knowing the big day we had today, so last night I was relieved to get out of my head when I got into bed. Ahhh, too tired to think is perfect. We’re headed over on a ferry to put cruise, I’ll check in when I can.


DAY 3- No idea what time it is, Sat. 17th, September


We made it on the ship! It was such a long walk. We walked about 10kms yesterday trying to get here. The waterfront entrance was so far from where we needed to be. However we made it, thanks to the help of a little old lady & also my partner. She literally yelled out at us and asked if we were walking to the cruise terminal. When replying yes, she was pretty shocked as she said it is such a long way, even though we could see the cruise ship right beside us! There just wasn’t a way down the cliff side and to the dock without following the LONG winding road.

The ship is huge. We booked in a spot in the thermal room at the spa, checked out all the shops and gym, had a cocktail, browsed the casino and ate from the buffet. The annoying thing is though I felt awful so we went to bed at 8.00pm! What a way to spend the first night. I just wasn’t used to the rocking, I felt dehydrated and my anxiety was begun inning to make me panic- I had spent all day in small rooms around lots of people and I think the realisation was catching up with me.

I’m awake wondering if I should wake up Josh because I’m bored. Let’s hope today goes well…. Positive for no anxiety attacks.

Day 4- Again, no idea of the time, Sun. 18th, September


Update: have not had legitimate sea sickness. Been anxious as hell though. So paranoid of getting sick, which then makes me sick. Crazy hey? This is our last full day on the ship and I’m extremely anxious for the trip home tomorrow. I am worrying about worrying, how ridiculous. I’ll let you know what we got up too today.




I am extremely sorry about jumping so much throughout this, I was trying to document as well as I could but also live in the moment. Our last full day on the ship was nice. We saw some comedy shows which were brilliant! If you ever get the chance google Mark Twain (stage name is Bob Down), Hung Lee and some red headed woman named Kat! Oh they were a laugh.

The Marquee room where they had their shows was VERY rocky and made me feel very ill. I was anxious to sit near people, in a small and dark room, so there was a lot of, “I want to leave soon,” said to my partner. But I didn’t leave, and with each joke my chest got a little lighter. We also met some beautiful people and had some awesome conversations. I squeezed Josh’s hand and shook my head when a waitress said we’d be seated at a joint table. Well, it worked out well. Although my anxiety was high, I hid it until it eventually subsided and conversation flew naturally.

The commune home was exhausting. Hurrah for land but damn my legs were tired! We caught a very from the terminal to Circular Quay and wandered aimlessly until about 10.ooam wondering what to do. Our flight wasn’t until 6.00pm, which was a good plan to see more of Sydney until we realised we didn’t know what else to see. I began to feel very ill, I think from being on solid ground and from the anxiety of the flight.

I looked over at a giant wall and realised there was Chinese gardens in Darling Harbour. The best $6 we ever spent. It was beautiful. Josh also bought me a beautiful tea and we sipped it in the most tranquil place I had ever been. You wouldn’t have imagined it was in the middle of the city. The gardens were called The Chinese Garden of Friendship and the tea was Pin something or other…. I can’t remember.

After a few hours there we communed to the airport, where we ate food and felt so sick. Anxiety was high as we boarded the plane and I doubted myself if I could make the trip home. In my mind I tried to be mindful of my feelings but not feed them, eventually I felt alright and the flight home was easy.


So, these are  the anxious entries of an apprehensive woman. I know I haven’t given you a lot to work with here but I plan to document my anxiety more on my next travels, alongside my adventures in order to be mindful of what my body and mind are doing.


Here is a link to my video of our trip.

Note To My Future Self

In years to come I am going to experience things and do things I know I wouldn’t have even imagined doing at this moment. I had no idea coming out of high school that I would be able to complete a year at University, get my license or learn how to sort of “adult”. I also didn’t know I would be diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder or that it would feel like my whole world has been flipped upside down.

My point is, life is so unpredictable and I am going to have moments in the future where I think, “Holy crap, nothing could be worse right now” or “This is the best moment of my life!”

I wanted to write and publish a little note to my future self for reasons I am unsure of. Whether it is in hopes to inspire, scorn, laugh or reminisce, I hope that my future self can make some sense out of the things I wish to tell her.

So here it goes…Notes to my future self:

  1. You are 20 and you are wild. Not wild as in party all night and sleep all day, but wild as in free. You have felt trapped within your mind. I hope that by now have found purpose, but as a 20 year old I wish that you stop overthinking and begin to take risks. Hopefully within this year you will find balance, you will explore and you will learn. I guess only you, my future self, knows.
  2. You have no idea what you want to do with yourself. Right now, a Yoga teacher seems like the most freeing profession you would like to undertake. You want to inspire others, but at the moment you’re working on yourself to do so. I hope you are a groovy Yoga teacher spreading positivity and good vibes to all that meet you. If you’re not, that’s ok, you have sure as hell had an adventure getting to where you are. Don’t regret a thing. No regrets, just lessons.
  3. You do not want a baby… EVER….Ok, maybe you do… But you want to give it back after a couple of hours. Hold onto those thoughts when you decide it is family time. You want to be completely stable when you bring a life into the world… don’t get in head over heels, do right by yourself, your other half and the life you bring.
  4. You’ve learnt that blood doesn’t always make family. Your guard is always up. I hope that you don’t allow those people to hurt you again, but also hope you find a way to allow people in.
  5. A few years ago High School was such a horrible time of your life. Whatever is going on right now, I’m sure it’s not as bad as sweaty, pushy teenagers sending you threats and the fear of an unknown future… And if it is, find solace in knowing you have overcome so much. Right now, you are 20 year old with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and you’re just about to force yourself onto a plane, then a cruise, and then into work placement. You got this.
  6. You are scared now, of everything, but you’re ignoring that fear to keep moving forward. I hope you tackle it to the ground and rub its nose in the dirt. One day fear won’t control you.
  7. Last but not least… I love you. I love you for who you are now and who you were before. I will love myself forever because I know how important it is to feel love.



“How to Deal When in a Shitty Place” from Apprehensive Girl 101

We all get into a bad headspace every once in a while. Unfortunately, mine has lasted the last couple of weeks and at the expense of my poor boyfriends patience and goodwill.

I couldn’t tell you how to snap out of a bad mood for the life of me, but I can share some advice on how I make (and how I am trying to make) this terrible time a little less aggravating.

I am super stressed right now. I know, I know, so is everyone else… However, due to my personality and MAINLY my anxiety my emotions can be a teeny weeny incy little bit over dramatised…I mean I have a heart attack when the sheets aren’t on the bed perfectly.

This stress stems from a lot of things right now. Pressure and expectations being the main offender. As of lately I have heard comments about my anxiety being used as ‘an excuse’ and that I should be working and doing all these things a normal 20 year old is supposed to do. The pressure of others and their expectations has been just sitting in the back of my mind and with each word it is just slowly expanding, I feel like my head is going to explode.

I get very emotional when people judge me or talk about me in a nasty way and I think these comments in particular have weighed me down. I start workplacement soon though so I hope that helps the weight subside. In saying that though this leads to another stress factor… HOW THE HELL CAN I WORK WHEN I STILL STRUGGLE TO GO TO A MOVIE?!

You can imagine the anxiety I am having over that even though it is still over a month away. PRESSURE THOUGH.

My partner and I go on a holiday in 3 weeks and I am already freaking out about whether I’ll be sick, whether I’ll be able to sit through the hour and a half flight, whether I’ll be able to catch a train (nightmare for my anxiety!) and just whether or not I’ll be nervous about everything! Like jeez Teigan, get a grip.

This then leads on to the fact that my partner leaves for his training in the Defence Force in October and I have no idea how life will be without him! I’ve been living with him for the past year and before that he was the person who saved me from the horrid place I had previously lived in. He is the only person who knows my anxiety almost as much as myself and he is simply my rock.

Aside from a few other smaller issues, can you see why this anxious mind is working over time?

“Take it as it comes, Teigan. Go with the flow,” you might all say, but let me tell you this… It’s not that easy.

So here I am, sharing with you, how I am currently coping with the mess in my head.

Today my method of finding some ease was to buy a weekly planner. I have no clue if I’ll use it… I used to buy diaries and write in them for a week only to never lay eyes on them again. However I found some relief in feeling  a little bit more organised. I intend to use it and incorporate it as a daily strategy to any ‘scheduling’ anxiety issues.

I also like to do Yoga. Cliche you may say but in the right environment it’s just you getting out of your head by getting into your head… you know what I mean?

Following on from that, exercise. Cannot stress this enough. When I feel good about my body, I feel good about myself and I see things more positively. It just works.

Another strategy… I blog. On here, on BayArt, on TurnHerPassion. I write and usually it is just my feelings being typed out through my aggressive fingers and it is relieving.

With all this I try to practice mindfulness, although I know jack crap about it. I like to watch and read things on this beautiful way of life and I wish to one day be completely mindful of the world and myself and to just be observant and non responsive. When I know enough on this topic I would love to write about it too. If you’d like to share anything about it with me, please feel free to comment or find me through social media.

I am beginning to think this post has lost its structure but the thoughts are flowing so I can’t stop, but I am glad you are still here.

Another release I tend to use a lot is anger. Not the most practical nor the most efficient. This is where I hope mindfulness comes into play… I get so angry and my partner takes the lash of my snaps and comments. I am aware of this now, so I hope with the awareness I will be able to control it. I intend to not hold it in, but release it in another form. Through typing, through physical activity or something else. I intend to release the anger through anything but hurtful words or actions.

I find comfort in food. NO, not junk food. In sourcing ‘good for your body’ foods. I enjoy looking online, through shops, researching and discovering things about new/healthy foods. I enjoy cooking, eating and trying these foods and living healthily. As I said before, I feel better when I feel good about my body and that comes with what I do and what I put in my body.

I like to talk as well, about my problems. I find a big rant can be so relieving and this can take off some of the tension I feel. Sometimes it’s hard though. Don’t get me wrong, talking about how you feel can be extremely difficult. Once it’s done though (and to the right person with a kind listening ear) my little heart feels a lot lighter.

I feel like I’ve wandered off a little bit on this post and I don’t think it turned out to be as useful or structured as I’d originally planned. I would conclude with something great but I am really dying to drink my tea and watch The Vikings…

With that being said I want to give you a little bit of a reminder that it is ok not to be ok. I am positive person ( I like to think) but I too feel sadness, anger, resentment, nerves and so forth. To be emotional is not something to be embarrassed off, it’s how you deal with those emotions that define you. You could be anxious, but that’s ok. Acknowledge that anxiety, don’t be consumed. Hard I know but I think together we’ll learn.

(Not proof reading as I am currently too interested in the life of Ragnar Lothbrook, so please enjoy me, unedited)


The Road So Far

Since I’ve had a fairly new flow of traffic to my little blog I thought I would share a little bit more about myself and my fitness journey… I find this a little daunting as I am not a topic of interest but maybe there may be some inspiration here.

Last year after finally being given a medical diagnosis to the horrible fear and weight I carried around on my shoulders (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), I began to realise I wasn’t just carrying weight mentally. Physically my face was a lot rounder than it used to be, and my stomach made me look pregnant (sometimes this was due to anxiety as it would make me ill).

I realised that I was bigger than the norm. I wasn’t healthy and the weight gain had happened (in my eyes) so suddenly.


Me at the beginning of 2016 at an unhealthy 79 kg. 

I had always tried to lose weight… I just always did it the wrong way. I would do a few push ups or try a HIIT workout at home and get upset when I didn’t see the results. Not only was my anxiety in the process of blooming, my health was weighing down my mind as well. I got anxious for photos (And I never worry about photos- I am the selfie queen!) and felt disgusting in everything I wore.

I don’t know when the switch flicked and I developed a more healthy lifestyle. After some research and some questions I eventually began to cut out big bad carbs like bread and potato. With that change alone, walking up a 700m mountain every couple of days and drinking a lot of water I already began to feel lighter.

All of this was with the advice of others but especially the help of my partner who drove me to this mountain when I didn’t have license because I was too anxious. On the days I couldn’t climb a mountain I tried to go for walks with our dog. Eventually I tried to change my diet to eating raw and natural foods, anything processed and packaged was not on the list. I started to think of my fuelling my body with food not just eating because I wanted something.

Bananas became a staple food. Although full of natural sugars (which means too much can be not so good for you) I could make anything from those suckers. Pancakes, biscuits, smoothies, banana bread, ice cream, it is a never ending list.

Sourcing out the processed food for the natural foods was the best decision ever. I still make mistakes though, a lot of them. It’s only been about 4 months of complete change and some days I still reach for the tub of chocolate chip ice cream, but I’ve also learnt how to control those cravings and I’ve learnt how to not BINGE!

Those walks I began eventually turned into jogs with my partner and I signed up at his gym. By this point I had probably went down from 79kg (174 pounds) to about 75.5kg (166 pounds).

Although I don’t necessarily believe you be defined by a number on the scales.. Nor do I believe that 79kg is an unhealthy weight for everybody. You can be whatever size you please, no judgement from me, as long as you feel comfortable in your own body. I however did not feel comfortable in my own body at that weight.

My first goal was 75kg and then I would aim for the big one which was 70kg. Gym became super fun, although I could only go once or twice a week. Our mountain climbing scheduled was put on hold for a while as my partner got super busy. I began to jog on the treadmill for a bit instead of just walking. I learnt more about cardio and strength training, I learnt more about calorie intake and healthy foods. This  new lifestyle was becoming fun!

Come June I ran my first 1km on the treadmill without walking. To a lot of people this might not be an achievement but to me this was my body telling me it was healthier and it was strong. I was strong!

I began to compare myself less to the other people in the gym or the fitness freaks I saw on social media.

Then when I hit 72kg I began to plato. The weight didn’t come off as quickly and this made it  a lot harder to stay motivated. I kept at it though, every time I slipped up I would try again.

I’m now 67.5 kg with my new goal being 65kg. Pretty crazy stuff huh? I’ve hit a plato again, I keep slipping up with chocolate biscuits. When I’m stressed those sweets look so darn good. But it’s okay to treat yourself and it’s okay to indulge, a little indulging is better than some serious binging.

So here I am today, healthy and happier and pushing to reach my goal right now.


It’s not impossible to smash a goal, even with a mental illness, there is always a way to reach for exactly what you want.




Emotional Bangs

I know what you’re thinking… “NO, you shouldn’t do it!”

Oh but I did it.

Do you ever go through phases where you’re into a particular item of clothing, or you dig a really bold lipstick?
I go through phases like that, a lot. I never act on those ‘wants’ (they are usually crazy) because change scares the living shit out of me.

Well a few days ago I made a decision of a life time- not really, probably one of the most minuscule decisions in comparison to others.

My partner left that morning for a weekend away and I was left wandering the house with my thoughts. To ask about bangs when my hairdresser arrives or to leave it alone?

My mind was telling me, “Do it! what could go wrong?!”
Those thoughts were then followed by, “Everything! Everything could go wrong!!”

Well I did it. I was in an emotional state. From friendships being in some crossfire, failed birthday plans, anxiety getting the better of me,  relatives pissing me right off; I was very prepared to move on my emotions. Tired, menstruating and over peoples shit left me in a ‘time for change’ state of mind.

So when my hairdresser arrived a little after 10.00am that morning I was ready to totally change my identity. She asked if I wanted a fringe- a question I always answer NO too- and out of the blue I said, “YES!”

She was as excited as I was but I’m sure she wasn’t as nervous.

They turned out fine. I love them. I hate when one side curls more than the other, but that’s my hair naturally. I took a plunge and it wasn’t a big change nor was it a small one. It was just simple and I like it.

Not a big deal, but my heart felt like it was.

Now this anxious gal is rockin’ some emotional bangs and just saying, it looks awesome.


Knowing When Enough Is Enough

Everything is crazy beautiful right now. I’m so humbled by those who surround me with love and support. My home, my belongings, my lifestyle, my achievements- all of it is a blessing.

Yet I find myself concerned with the negative aspects. Those people who try to bring me down a notch to build themselves back up. It’s hard to escape. I feel toxic when I act out emotionally at those who love me from the stress put on my shoulders by those who I’m not sure do. But I love them all, so how do I know when it is time to weed out their roots when I’m so attached.

A person/people that could hurt me over and over again and still see their doing no wrong.

A person/people that asks for my advice but never takes it.

A person/people that picks on me for what I say and how I say it.

A person/people that affiliates with those who broke my confidence.

A person/people who pretends to care.

I love people that do this and more. I don’t want to cut ties but their negativity drains my soul. Their words spark my anxiety. How do I know enough is enough?