Sydney Diaries- An Anxious Woman

DAY 1- 7.50am, Thurs. 15th of September

 

I am currently cramped between the window of a very small airplane and my sleeping boyfriend. Being up at 3am with about 3 hours sleep has taken its toll on him… And me, we are exhausted. I’m typing this on my phone from the plane on our way to Sydney. We still have 25 minutes left of the flight and I have nothing to do except stare at all the other people sleeping. Not very entertaining, unless of course

 

DAY 2- 7.00am, Fri. 16th of September

 

Sorry about that! My partner awoke from his slumber mid sentence and then after that yesterday was just GO go go. Surprisingly, I went really well yesterday. My anxiety was low for most of the day and it was great. It gave me the confidence I need for this trip.

On the plane, for a few seconds I felt enclosed and my skin got hot and my stomach rumbled but it went away and that’s the focus. It will go away, it won’t kill me. I was also overwhelmed by the amount of people in Sydney yesterday. The big city is so daunting and people are so inconsiderate. I could see how this place could drive someone mad… pushing and shoving, in and out of peoples personal space. But I thoroughly enjoyed seeing another, more fast paced way of living.

We walking around the city, through the wax museum, to Harbour Bridge, To the Opera House, it was beautiful. By the afternoon we were exhausted and laid around until 5pm where we walked to the casino ( I hobbled with blistered feet) and bet the tiniest amount because we’re tight asses.

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My anxiety began to spark a little knowing the big day we had today, so last night I was relieved to get out of my head when I got into bed. Ahhh, too tired to think is perfect. We’re headed over on a ferry to put cruise, I’ll check in when I can.

 

DAY 3- No idea what time it is, Sat. 17th, September

 

We made it on the ship! It was such a long walk. We walked about 10kms yesterday trying to get here. The waterfront entrance was so far from where we needed to be. However we made it, thanks to the help of a little old lady & also my partner. She literally yelled out at us and asked if we were walking to the cruise terminal. When replying yes, she was pretty shocked as she said it is such a long way, even though we could see the cruise ship right beside us! There just wasn’t a way down the cliff side and to the dock without following the LONG winding road.

The ship is huge. We booked in a spot in the thermal room at the spa, checked out all the shops and gym, had a cocktail, browsed the casino and ate from the buffet. The annoying thing is though I felt awful so we went to bed at 8.00pm! What a way to spend the first night. I just wasn’t used to the rocking, I felt dehydrated and my anxiety was begun inning to make me panic- I had spent all day in small rooms around lots of people and I think the realisation was catching up with me.

I’m awake wondering if I should wake up Josh because I’m bored. Let’s hope today goes well…. Positive for no anxiety attacks.

Day 4- Again, no idea of the time, Sun. 18th, September

 

Update: have not had legitimate sea sickness. Been anxious as hell though. So paranoid of getting sick, which then makes me sick. Crazy hey? This is our last full day on the ship and I’m extremely anxious for the trip home tomorrow. I am worrying about worrying, how ridiculous. I’ll let you know what we got up too today.

 

I AM HOME!

 

I am extremely sorry about jumping so much throughout this, I was trying to document as well as I could but also live in the moment. Our last full day on the ship was nice. We saw some comedy shows which were brilliant! If you ever get the chance google Mark Twain (stage name is Bob Down), Hung Lee and some red headed woman named Kat! Oh they were a laugh.

The Marquee room where they had their shows was VERY rocky and made me feel very ill. I was anxious to sit near people, in a small and dark room, so there was a lot of, “I want to leave soon,” said to my partner. But I didn’t leave, and with each joke my chest got a little lighter. We also met some beautiful people and had some awesome conversations. I squeezed Josh’s hand and shook my head when a waitress said we’d be seated at a joint table. Well, it worked out well. Although my anxiety was high, I hid it until it eventually subsided and conversation flew naturally.

The commune home was exhausting. Hurrah for land but damn my legs were tired! We caught a very from the terminal to Circular Quay and wandered aimlessly until about 10.ooam wondering what to do. Our flight wasn’t until 6.00pm, which was a good plan to see more of Sydney until we realised we didn’t know what else to see. I began to feel very ill, I think from being on solid ground and from the anxiety of the flight.

I looked over at a giant wall and realised there was Chinese gardens in Darling Harbour. The best $6 we ever spent. It was beautiful. Josh also bought me a beautiful tea and we sipped it in the most tranquil place I had ever been. You wouldn’t have imagined it was in the middle of the city. The gardens were called The Chinese Garden of Friendship and the tea was Pin something or other…. I can’t remember.

After a few hours there we communed to the airport, where we ate food and felt so sick. Anxiety was high as we boarded the plane and I doubted myself if I could make the trip home. In my mind I tried to be mindful of my feelings but not feed them, eventually I felt alright and the flight home was easy.

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So, these are  the anxious entries of an apprehensive woman. I know I haven’t given you a lot to work with here but I plan to document my anxiety more on my next travels, alongside my adventures in order to be mindful of what my body and mind are doing.

 

Here is a link to my video of our trip.

Note To My Future Self

In years to come I am going to experience things and do things I know I wouldn’t have even imagined doing at this moment. I had no idea coming out of high school that I would be able to complete a year at University, get my license or learn how to sort of “adult”. I also didn’t know I would be diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder or that it would feel like my whole world has been flipped upside down.

My point is, life is so unpredictable and I am going to have moments in the future where I think, “Holy crap, nothing could be worse right now” or “This is the best moment of my life!”

I wanted to write and publish a little note to my future self for reasons I am unsure of. Whether it is in hopes to inspire, scorn, laugh or reminisce, I hope that my future self can make some sense out of the things I wish to tell her.

So here it goes…Notes to my future self:

  1. You are 20 and you are wild. Not wild as in party all night and sleep all day, but wild as in free. You have felt trapped within your mind. I hope that by now have found purpose, but as a 20 year old I wish that you stop overthinking and begin to take risks. Hopefully within this year you will find balance, you will explore and you will learn. I guess only you, my future self, knows.
  2. You have no idea what you want to do with yourself. Right now, a Yoga teacher seems like the most freeing profession you would like to undertake. You want to inspire others, but at the moment you’re working on yourself to do so. I hope you are a groovy Yoga teacher spreading positivity and good vibes to all that meet you. If you’re not, that’s ok, you have sure as hell had an adventure getting to where you are. Don’t regret a thing. No regrets, just lessons.
  3. You do not want a baby… EVER….Ok, maybe you do… But you want to give it back after a couple of hours. Hold onto those thoughts when you decide it is family time. You want to be completely stable when you bring a life into the world… don’t get in head over heels, do right by yourself, your other half and the life you bring.
  4. You’ve learnt that blood doesn’t always make family. Your guard is always up. I hope that you don’t allow those people to hurt you again, but also hope you find a way to allow people in.
  5. A few years ago High School was such a horrible time of your life. Whatever is going on right now, I’m sure it’s not as bad as sweaty, pushy teenagers sending you threats and the fear of an unknown future… And if it is, find solace in knowing you have overcome so much. Right now, you are 20 year old with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and you’re just about to force yourself onto a plane, then a cruise, and then into work placement. You got this.
  6. You are scared now, of everything, but you’re ignoring that fear to keep moving forward. I hope you tackle it to the ground and rub its nose in the dirt. One day fear won’t control you.
  7. Last but not least… I love you. I love you for who you are now and who you were before. I will love myself forever because I know how important it is to feel love.

 

 

The Road So Far

Since I’ve had a fairly new flow of traffic to my little blog I thought I would share a little bit more about myself and my fitness journey… I find this a little daunting as I am not a topic of interest but maybe there may be some inspiration here.

Last year after finally being given a medical diagnosis to the horrible fear and weight I carried around on my shoulders (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), I began to realise I wasn’t just carrying weight mentally. Physically my face was a lot rounder than it used to be, and my stomach made me look pregnant (sometimes this was due to anxiety as it would make me ill).

I realised that I was bigger than the norm. I wasn’t healthy and the weight gain had happened (in my eyes) so suddenly.

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Me at the beginning of 2016 at an unhealthy 79 kg. 

I had always tried to lose weight… I just always did it the wrong way. I would do a few push ups or try a HIIT workout at home and get upset when I didn’t see the results. Not only was my anxiety in the process of blooming, my health was weighing down my mind as well. I got anxious for photos (And I never worry about photos- I am the selfie queen!) and felt disgusting in everything I wore.

I don’t know when the switch flicked and I developed a more healthy lifestyle. After some research and some questions I eventually began to cut out big bad carbs like bread and potato. With that change alone, walking up a 700m mountain every couple of days and drinking a lot of water I already began to feel lighter.

All of this was with the advice of others but especially the help of my partner who drove me to this mountain when I didn’t have license because I was too anxious. On the days I couldn’t climb a mountain I tried to go for walks with our dog. Eventually I tried to change my diet to eating raw and natural foods, anything processed and packaged was not on the list. I started to think of my fuelling my body with food not just eating because I wanted something.

Bananas became a staple food. Although full of natural sugars (which means too much can be not so good for you) I could make anything from those suckers. Pancakes, biscuits, smoothies, banana bread, ice cream, it is a never ending list.

Sourcing out the processed food for the natural foods was the best decision ever. I still make mistakes though, a lot of them. It’s only been about 4 months of complete change and some days I still reach for the tub of chocolate chip ice cream, but I’ve also learnt how to control those cravings and I’ve learnt how to not BINGE!

Those walks I began eventually turned into jogs with my partner and I signed up at his gym. By this point I had probably went down from 79kg (174 pounds) to about 75.5kg (166 pounds).

Although I don’t necessarily believe you be defined by a number on the scales.. Nor do I believe that 79kg is an unhealthy weight for everybody. You can be whatever size you please, no judgement from me, as long as you feel comfortable in your own body. I however did not feel comfortable in my own body at that weight.

My first goal was 75kg and then I would aim for the big one which was 70kg. Gym became super fun, although I could only go once or twice a week. Our mountain climbing scheduled was put on hold for a while as my partner got super busy. I began to jog on the treadmill for a bit instead of just walking. I learnt more about cardio and strength training, I learnt more about calorie intake and healthy foods. This  new lifestyle was becoming fun!

Come June I ran my first 1km on the treadmill without walking. To a lot of people this might not be an achievement but to me this was my body telling me it was healthier and it was strong. I was strong!

I began to compare myself less to the other people in the gym or the fitness freaks I saw on social media.

Then when I hit 72kg I began to plato. The weight didn’t come off as quickly and this made it  a lot harder to stay motivated. I kept at it though, every time I slipped up I would try again.

I’m now 67.5 kg with my new goal being 65kg. Pretty crazy stuff huh? I’ve hit a plato again, I keep slipping up with chocolate biscuits. When I’m stressed those sweets look so darn good. But it’s okay to treat yourself and it’s okay to indulge, a little indulging is better than some serious binging.

So here I am today, healthy and happier and pushing to reach my goal right now.

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It’s not impossible to smash a goal, even with a mental illness, there is always a way to reach for exactly what you want.

 

 

 

Emotional Bangs

I know what you’re thinking… “NO, you shouldn’t do it!”

Oh but I did it.

Do you ever go through phases where you’re into a particular item of clothing, or you dig a really bold lipstick?
I go through phases like that, a lot. I never act on those ‘wants’ (they are usually crazy) because change scares the living shit out of me.

Well a few days ago I made a decision of a life time- not really, probably one of the most minuscule decisions in comparison to others.

My partner left that morning for a weekend away and I was left wandering the house with my thoughts. To ask about bangs when my hairdresser arrives or to leave it alone?

My mind was telling me, “Do it! what could go wrong?!”
Those thoughts were then followed by, “Everything! Everything could go wrong!!”

Well I did it. I was in an emotional state. From friendships being in some crossfire, failed birthday plans, anxiety getting the better of me,  relatives pissing me right off; I was very prepared to move on my emotions. Tired, menstruating and over peoples shit left me in a ‘time for change’ state of mind.

So when my hairdresser arrived a little after 10.00am that morning I was ready to totally change my identity. She asked if I wanted a fringe- a question I always answer NO too- and out of the blue I said, “YES!”

She was as excited as I was but I’m sure she wasn’t as nervous.

They turned out fine. I love them. I hate when one side curls more than the other, but that’s my hair naturally. I took a plunge and it wasn’t a big change nor was it a small one. It was just simple and I like it.

Not a big deal, but my heart felt like it was.

Now this anxious gal is rockin’ some emotional bangs and just saying, it looks awesome.

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Knowing When Enough Is Enough

Everything is crazy beautiful right now. I’m so humbled by those who surround me with love and support. My home, my belongings, my lifestyle, my achievements- all of it is a blessing.

Yet I find myself concerned with the negative aspects. Those people who try to bring me down a notch to build themselves back up. It’s hard to escape. I feel toxic when I act out emotionally at those who love me from the stress put on my shoulders by those who I’m not sure do. But I love them all, so how do I know when it is time to weed out their roots when I’m so attached.

A person/people that could hurt me over and over again and still see their doing no wrong.

A person/people that asks for my advice but never takes it.

A person/people that picks on me for what I say and how I say it.

A person/people that affiliates with those who broke my confidence.

A person/people who pretends to care.

I love people that do this and more. I don’t want to cut ties but their negativity drains my soul. Their words spark my anxiety. How do I know enough is enough?