Note To My Future Self

In years to come I am going to experience things and do things I know I wouldn’t have even imagined doing at this moment. I had no idea coming out of high school that I would be able to complete a year at University, get my license or learn how to sort of “adult”. I also didn’t know I would be diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder or that it would feel like my whole world has been flipped upside down.

My point is, life is so unpredictable and I am going to have moments in the future where I think, “Holy crap, nothing could be worse right now” or “This is the best moment of my life!”

I wanted to write and publish a little note to my future self for reasons I am unsure of. Whether it is in hopes to inspire, scorn, laugh or reminisce, I hope that my future self can make some sense out of the things I wish to tell her.

So here it goes…Notes to my future self:

  1. You are 20 and you are wild. Not wild as in party all night and sleep all day, but wild as in free. You have felt trapped within your mind. I hope that by now have found purpose, but as a 20 year old I wish that you stop overthinking and begin to take risks. Hopefully within this year you will find balance, you will explore and you will learn. I guess only you, my future self, knows.
  2. You have no idea what you want to do with yourself. Right now, a Yoga teacher seems like the most freeing profession you would like to undertake. You want to inspire others, but at the moment you’re working on yourself to do so. I hope you are a groovy Yoga teacher spreading positivity and good vibes to all that meet you. If you’re not, that’s ok, you have sure as hell had an adventure getting to where you are. Don’t regret a thing. No regrets, just lessons.
  3. You do not want a baby… EVER….Ok, maybe you do… But you want to give it back after a couple of hours. Hold onto those thoughts when you decide it is family time. You want to be completely stable when you bring a life into the world… don’t get in head over heels, do right by yourself, your other half and the life you bring.
  4. You’ve learnt that blood doesn’t always make family. Your guard is always up. I hope that you don’t allow those people to hurt you again, but also hope you find a way to allow people in.
  5. A few years ago High School was such a horrible time of your life. Whatever is going on right now, I’m sure it’s not as bad as sweaty, pushy teenagers sending you threats and the fear of an unknown future… And if it is, find solace in knowing you have overcome so much. Right now, you are 20 year old with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and you’re just about to force yourself onto a plane, then a cruise, and then into work placement. You got this.
  6. You are scared now, of everything, but you’re ignoring that fear to keep moving forward. I hope you tackle it to the ground and rub its nose in the dirt. One day fear won’t control you.
  7. Last but not least… I love you. I love you for who you are now and who you were before. I will love myself forever because I know how important it is to feel love.

 

 

Treat Yo’ Self

I don’t have crooked teeth but I sure as eggs had a crooked morning.

12957401_1572219409773648_856930728_n.jpgI was meant to have my braces taken off today (I have braces now as an adult because I can afford to pay them off but when I was a child I couldn’t ask that of my parents).

Checked in with the receptionist I paced the waiting room for 20 minutes. This was 20 long minutes after I had arrived on time mind you, so as each minute rolled over my stomach did another flip and I thought I was going to puke.

 

The dainty orthodontist assistant that always calls me in but never seems to remember my face showed me into the room. We shared the quick “Hello, how are you?” And I sat down.

My orthodontist is a straightforward kind of man. Every appointment is in and out which is fine by me.

Today however I had mentally prepared myself for a longer appointment. The removal of the train tracks that lay across my top row of teeth.

He asked me if I was happy with my teeth and I said I was and that I could definitely see the difference now. Expecting to mould more into the chair as he grabbed his tools to do the job I felt the chair come straight back up.

“We’ll book you in for a half an hour removal session then.”

WHAT?! All that stressing for nothing!?

Meaning of the story- I have to wait another month of working myself up until he has another appointment open to get these metal things removed. DAMN.

So that was some bad news and to top off the day I declined an invitation to hang out with someone for personal reasons. We all know what happens when someone that has horrible anxiety and overthinks every situation does something that could offend someone else- GUILT TRIP THEMSELVES.

I am so over guilt tripping myself. Seriously if I don’t want to hang out with someone for ANY reason I shouldn’t feel obliged to. If I want to delete someone off Facebook because the content in which they post is complete and utter bulls**t then I shouldn’t feel guilty while doing it!

Even further than feeling guilt tripped I shouldn’t be letting anyones opinion define what I do and what I don’t too.

I need to treat myself with respect. As my partner said… I need to be more of an asshole. 

Sometimes you need to be a little tough in order to protect your own hide.

His advice is always great and he is right, I really do. I need to say no when I mean NO. I know some people just won’t like me and they’ll talk about me and I am pretty ok with that BUT I also need to not be so nice to them either. I need to not go out of my way for someone when they just use me.

I don’t have to be a b*tch, I just need to be nice an asshole (the less b*itchier version of a b*tch). 

I am all for respecting everyone. Hands down I believe in spreading the love and appreciating the light in others. I think I just need to know when it’s time to take one for me.

I know I kind of rambled on… But I needed a little bit of a writing session to just get the mess of words in my head into some kind of order. So… excuse my horrible structure, horrendous spelling mistakes and bad punctuation but today I’m doing me so I don’t care. Self love fellow bloggers!

From the wise words of Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle…

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