I feel exactly like Bruce Willis does right now as he shoots the paper target angrily screaming, “God dammit! God dammit!” In a Good Day to Die Hard- which is playing as I write.
Except I would be doing that while the tears flow uncontrollably and with a very heavy chest.
My anxiety got the better of me tonight and what a set back it has been.
My partner wanted to go into the city for his birthday with a bunch of his friends, family and me, and hire a hotel and hit some clubs.
I survived all the day, the beginning of the night, but just as we went to leave I broke. Panic took me and I couldn’t get out of it.
My partner wanted to hug me and tell me it was okay and I was brilliant for getting this far but every time he tried I didn’t want him to touch me.
I felt I didn’t deserve to be reassured and that I was pathetic for even thinking I could be there tonight.
Of course I regret those thoughts now, and I am little further out of that dark apprehensive part of the mind to know this won’t hold me back but I still just feel so useless right now.
I feel horrible.
So far I still feel crap, but I’m still positive I won’t let this incident damper any further journeys out of the comfort zone.
The chest pain has gone, the prickly skin has gone back to normal and I’m left with the usual belly ache that makes me even more anxious- but I’m ok! I know I am. I same safe. And I tried.