Do You Want to Meet the Crew?

If you saw me in the street you would probably think I’m just some average joe. If you walked into my space and into my life, well you might just think I am the towns crazy lady. And no! Not the the dirty old one that hoards old glass bottles and cat poop! The one that’s always burning candles, taking her crystals outside to charge and accidentally gets dressed with the windows open (ok, this has happened twice! But I’m sure my poor elderly neighbours are over it!)

So yes, my little collection of crystals is beginning to grow. I plan for these suckers to take over the world! Or just my house, my car and my partners belongings too… But anyway, they will be everywhere.

I sleep with them under my pillow, I have them rest on my bedside table, I take them in the shower with me or on long drives, I even have a naughty corner for the ones that have been TOUCHED by someone else’s energy! Queue Finding Nemo: HE TOUCHED THE BUTT!

But in all seriousness, if someone touches your crystals, wash that shit ASAP! Get their energy off something that is meant to be radiating with yours. No need to mix energy, it’s like shaking hands as a kid after you have spat in them. NASTY.

So far, my collection is the basics. I’ve hand picked each crystal based on what I felt when I saw them. I would know instantly, or almost instantly, which one my soul needed most. The basically create a chakra set (which was unintentional!) and without further ado, here are my babies:

Red Jasper, Amethyst, Chrysocolla, Carnelian, Smokey Quartz, Clear Quartz, Lapis Lazul, Turquentine, Tigers Eye and Rose Quartz.

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(Rose Quartz and Turquentine aren’t featured here due to reenergising!)

I’ll be sharing each stone, their meanings and their energy to me in individual posts a long the way so feel free to stay tuned for them and the newbies I have to come!

So, there’s the crew. They hang out with me almost everywhere. I recently bought turquentine for my plane trip this upcoming week! I’ll keep you in the loop with my crystals and you should share your views or own crystals with me!

Love and light my homies.

A Little Forgiveness Goes a Long Way

I dove into the ocean Saturday and Sunday. Both times the water was refreshing and cleansing. I could feel all the negativity escaping and I felt a little more balanced and a lot cooler.

Coming home on the Sunday afternoon though it felt as though I had just picked up all this negative energy I had washed away and shoved it back into my head through the crown. I’m not sure if this is because both times I waded in the beautiful water, I didn’t put my head under, or that maybe the bad ju ju didn’t want to let go just yet.

Now that I was home I was focusing on trying to tick of this “to do list” before Monday morning come around. I also had these harsh words echoing in my mind from a few days before. I was hurting and I was tired and I was confused. The negative energy was back and with a vengeance.

As I rushed frantically around trying to do all these little jobs I had set myself, I caught a glimpse of a framed saying my sister had bought me.
“Do what makes your soul happy,” it says.

I shook my head a little and thought, “sometimes it’s not that easy”.
I continued to rush around for a little while longer until I almost felt defeated. My mind was telling me something as it wandered back to the frame.

As I looked at it again I realised…

I was frustrated with myself for practicing what I preach. I was frustrated at myself for the repercussions of listening to my soul.

****

A few days ago I turned down a job opportunity purely because it wouldn’t aid my soul. I would be getting paid a bit but I would lose out on time. Time with my family, time with my soul, time for me. I would have to quit gym, yoga, miss out on dinner at home, give up my work placement, maybe even my study and quite possibly my other casual job.

I knew, moments after the interview, it wasn’t for me. I knew it and so after I received an email that night from them (4 hours after the interview) I chose to decline their offer.

It angered them and the gave my site a bad review and told me not to “waste busy people’s time”.

I was hurt, not because of some people I had only met once, but hurt from taking care of myself and then feeling as though it was shoved right back in my face. Why, soul? I thought I was doing right by you? I started, unknowingly,  punishing myself for the words of another.

When I confided in a ‘friend’ after receiving those emails she told me ,”the real world is a lot harder than turning down some rich, snobby people after an interview”.
Again, unconsciously, I punished myself for the words of another.

****

Back to Sunday night, I was still a little frustrated. The swims in the ocean didn’t help me align or balance, I was holding on to something that wouldn’t allow that. So I rolled out my Yoga mat as part of the 31 Day Yoga Revolution. That days practice was forgiveness. Little did I know it was exactly what my soul was calling for.

As Adriene welcomed us to the present and to the practice, I felt tears well in the corner of my eyes. As the practice went on she spoke of forgiveness and I felt her words resonate. My soul was calling for a little forgiveness and a lot of tender love.

I cried a little, I sighed a lot and I forgave my body and mind. I forgave myself for feeling frustrated, I forgave myself for being too concerned with someone else’s opinion and letting it shade my sight, I forgave myself for the horrible food and lack of exercise I had/ or hadn’t undertook over the weekend, and I tried to forgive the people who had hurt me recently.

I’m still working on the last one.

The practice came to an end, and although I went to sleep last night still thinking about what these people had said to me, I consciously allowed myself to acknowledge these thoughts and let them go. I wasn’t angry at myself and I am not angry at myself anymore.

I think when we feel so disconnected and so frustrated, it’s important to find the source of it. All I needed was to acknowledge the problem, forgive myself for getting so worked up about it and then let it go. It doesn’t take back the words that were said or the things that happened, but it aided in this soul searching and learning journey that I’m on.

If you want a little bit of forgiveness, try this practice:

 

A Dream is just a Dream

A year ago I was praying that my life would just fall into place. Everything felt so misplaced and I felt so limited. My mind trapped me and I allowed it.

I started off 2016 with the whole “this will be the best year of my life” thing, but didn’t really believe it. Who knew I would be doing what I am doing now.

Full disclosure here: my achievements do not consist of any extreme sports, promotions, unbelievable acts of kindness or anything too wild for that matter of what.

My achievements are a woman with Generalised Anxiety Disorder who feared they would never find independence in their life, landing a job, getting her license and a car, and taking the road to a more holistic way of living.

To someone with a mental illness that is SO hindering it leaves you physically ill, these achievements are life changing. I never believed I’d be able to go into a workplace and… work. Not because I am a lazy person, in fact I think I am a very hard worker when it comes down to it, but because I doubted I would ever be able to surround myself with unknown people and have my mind focus on anything other than my anxiety.

I couldn’t even attend my doctors appointments without crying out the front of the centre, completely petrified of the waiting room and in fear of making myself physically ill in front of the few people sitting around reading magazines. Now I sit inside, watch the TV, browse those magazines like the other sick people in the room. Although I might feel anxious I now have the ability to mask that enough to function almost normally. I can do what other people can do and I’m proud of that.

I can drive a car, I can go to the shops, I was able to sit through a movie at the cinemas, I can do THINGS!

I know now my dreams aren’t just dreams. Their reachable and the hard work is doable. I might have an extra load on my shoulders compared to everyone else but I’ll just have to be that little bit stronger.

If you take anything away from the post take away the fact that ANY achievement is an achievement and YES you should celebrate it! Did you get out of bed today? FUCK YEAH, you did! I knew you could!

It’s easy to not do anything, it’s worth it to do something!

A Shit Time 

I feel exactly like Bruce Willis does right now as he shoots the paper target angrily screaming, “God dammit! God dammit!” In a Good Day to Die Hard- which is playing as I write.

Except I would be doing that while the tears flow uncontrollably and with a very heavy chest.

My anxiety got the better of me tonight and what a set back it has been.

My partner wanted to go into the city for his birthday with a bunch of his friends, family and me, and hire a hotel and hit some clubs.

I survived all the day, the beginning of the night, but just as we went to leave I broke. Panic took me and I couldn’t get out of it.

My partner wanted to hug me and tell me it was okay and I was brilliant for getting this far but every time he tried I didn’t want him to touch me.

I felt I didn’t deserve to be reassured and that I was pathetic for even thinking I could be there tonight.

Of course I regret those thoughts now, and I am little further out of that dark apprehensive part of the mind to know this won’t hold me back but I still just feel so useless right now.

I feel horrible.

So far I still feel crap, but I’m still positive I won’t let this incident damper any further journeys out of the comfort zone.

The chest pain has gone, the prickly skin has gone back to normal and I’m left with the usual belly ache that makes me even more anxious- but I’m ok! I know I am. I same safe. And I tried.

Soul Searching

Every six months I am obligated to see a nurse at my local doctors. We reevaluate the plan of attack on my Generalised Anxiety Disorder and see what is working and what is not. I always love our little meetings. From day one she was supportive and shared her experiences with the mental illness and also self discovery.

When first meeting her I had a small awakening. It wasn’t much, but she opened me up to being a little bit more accepting of my own nature. She was mindful and it inspired me to be the same.

After a few appointments she informed me that she could see I was a very sensitive person to the world around me. This was the ultimate epiphany. I was oblivious to the fact that I was so sensitive to not only my own thoughts and feelings, but to others and their thoughts and feelings, and when she explained this some things began to make sense.

I could understand now why arguments with friends and families took a very big toll on me, or why the mood of waitress would determine how I felt for the rest of the night. A smiling baby would bring about happy tears and an argument between friends in the street would make me mad.

I consume the universe around me and only now do I feel I am understanding this.

I’m not sure if this will aid in my determination to beat my anxiety but I know it will aid in finding myself. Discovering I was lost has shone a light. I guess you could call my anxiety a blessing… I’ve learnt so much about myself from it.

Before all of this, I would just do what is expected of me. Be intelligent, not too much intelligent, don’t ask questions, do ask questions, go to school, go to University, know what you’re going to do with your life, live a little, don’t waste time; the list goes on. I still am, in a way, a follower but now I am not so naive. My mind is open even when my mouth is not. I am on this journey to mindfulness, to self discovery; I am a soul searcher!

The term soul searcher has really stuck with me since beginning to read Emma Mildon’s incredibly enlightening book, The Soul Searchers Handbook: A Modern Girl’s Guide to the New Age World.

Although only a quarter of the way into the book I’ve already discovered how much of an “enlightened” person I am. She explains how a lighted soul is someone that feels connected to the suffering but also the growth of other beings. I wish there was another word I could use here, but again, I’ve discovered that my sensitivity is due to my enlightenment.

I am so open to others and there ideas or suffering. I am accepting and now I know I am happy to be so. I always thought I was so dramatic to feel and be so affected by the world around me. People I know just ponder through life so untouched by the things they see, feel or hear from others. I didn’t understand why and thought I was a drama queen.

Maybe a lot of other people need to “walk out of confinement” as Emma Mildon writes and it’s not me who needs to move backwards, it’s others who need to move forwards.

I feel this is the beginning of my spiritual journey, so I wish to share it all with you. Although I have other people and other experiences that have aided in my road to self discovery (a long one that I’ve just realised I was on and it has a lot of bumps), I thought to share these with you as it is the first thing that has really resonated with me.

Yes, I love Yoga. Yes, I love meditation and crystals and a bunch of things, but this simple connection between my mind and soul has been a real eye opener.  Discovering my enlightenment has helped me get to know a huge part of myself.

So you’re witnessing the beginning of Teigan’s never ending soul searching road trip! Exciting, I hope you stick around.

Sydney Diaries- An Anxious Woman

DAY 1- 7.50am, Thurs. 15th of September

 

I am currently cramped between the window of a very small airplane and my sleeping boyfriend. Being up at 3am with about 3 hours sleep has taken its toll on him… And me, we are exhausted. I’m typing this on my phone from the plane on our way to Sydney. We still have 25 minutes left of the flight and I have nothing to do except stare at all the other people sleeping. Not very entertaining, unless of course

 

DAY 2- 7.00am, Fri. 16th of September

 

Sorry about that! My partner awoke from his slumber mid sentence and then after that yesterday was just GO go go. Surprisingly, I went really well yesterday. My anxiety was low for most of the day and it was great. It gave me the confidence I need for this trip.

On the plane, for a few seconds I felt enclosed and my skin got hot and my stomach rumbled but it went away and that’s the focus. It will go away, it won’t kill me. I was also overwhelmed by the amount of people in Sydney yesterday. The big city is so daunting and people are so inconsiderate. I could see how this place could drive someone mad… pushing and shoving, in and out of peoples personal space. But I thoroughly enjoyed seeing another, more fast paced way of living.

We walking around the city, through the wax museum, to Harbour Bridge, To the Opera House, it was beautiful. By the afternoon we were exhausted and laid around until 5pm where we walked to the casino ( I hobbled with blistered feet) and bet the tiniest amount because we’re tight asses.

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My anxiety began to spark a little knowing the big day we had today, so last night I was relieved to get out of my head when I got into bed. Ahhh, too tired to think is perfect. We’re headed over on a ferry to put cruise, I’ll check in when I can.

 

DAY 3- No idea what time it is, Sat. 17th, September

 

We made it on the ship! It was such a long walk. We walked about 10kms yesterday trying to get here. The waterfront entrance was so far from where we needed to be. However we made it, thanks to the help of a little old lady & also my partner. She literally yelled out at us and asked if we were walking to the cruise terminal. When replying yes, she was pretty shocked as she said it is such a long way, even though we could see the cruise ship right beside us! There just wasn’t a way down the cliff side and to the dock without following the LONG winding road.

The ship is huge. We booked in a spot in the thermal room at the spa, checked out all the shops and gym, had a cocktail, browsed the casino and ate from the buffet. The annoying thing is though I felt awful so we went to bed at 8.00pm! What a way to spend the first night. I just wasn’t used to the rocking, I felt dehydrated and my anxiety was begun inning to make me panic- I had spent all day in small rooms around lots of people and I think the realisation was catching up with me.

I’m awake wondering if I should wake up Josh because I’m bored. Let’s hope today goes well…. Positive for no anxiety attacks.

Day 4- Again, no idea of the time, Sun. 18th, September

 

Update: have not had legitimate sea sickness. Been anxious as hell though. So paranoid of getting sick, which then makes me sick. Crazy hey? This is our last full day on the ship and I’m extremely anxious for the trip home tomorrow. I am worrying about worrying, how ridiculous. I’ll let you know what we got up too today.

 

I AM HOME!

 

I am extremely sorry about jumping so much throughout this, I was trying to document as well as I could but also live in the moment. Our last full day on the ship was nice. We saw some comedy shows which were brilliant! If you ever get the chance google Mark Twain (stage name is Bob Down), Hung Lee and some red headed woman named Kat! Oh they were a laugh.

The Marquee room where they had their shows was VERY rocky and made me feel very ill. I was anxious to sit near people, in a small and dark room, so there was a lot of, “I want to leave soon,” said to my partner. But I didn’t leave, and with each joke my chest got a little lighter. We also met some beautiful people and had some awesome conversations. I squeezed Josh’s hand and shook my head when a waitress said we’d be seated at a joint table. Well, it worked out well. Although my anxiety was high, I hid it until it eventually subsided and conversation flew naturally.

The commune home was exhausting. Hurrah for land but damn my legs were tired! We caught a very from the terminal to Circular Quay and wandered aimlessly until about 10.ooam wondering what to do. Our flight wasn’t until 6.00pm, which was a good plan to see more of Sydney until we realised we didn’t know what else to see. I began to feel very ill, I think from being on solid ground and from the anxiety of the flight.

I looked over at a giant wall and realised there was Chinese gardens in Darling Harbour. The best $6 we ever spent. It was beautiful. Josh also bought me a beautiful tea and we sipped it in the most tranquil place I had ever been. You wouldn’t have imagined it was in the middle of the city. The gardens were called The Chinese Garden of Friendship and the tea was Pin something or other…. I can’t remember.

After a few hours there we communed to the airport, where we ate food and felt so sick. Anxiety was high as we boarded the plane and I doubted myself if I could make the trip home. In my mind I tried to be mindful of my feelings but not feed them, eventually I felt alright and the flight home was easy.

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So, these are  the anxious entries of an apprehensive woman. I know I haven’t given you a lot to work with here but I plan to document my anxiety more on my next travels, alongside my adventures in order to be mindful of what my body and mind are doing.

 

Here is a link to my video of our trip.

Note To My Future Self

In years to come I am going to experience things and do things I know I wouldn’t have even imagined doing at this moment. I had no idea coming out of high school that I would be able to complete a year at University, get my license or learn how to sort of “adult”. I also didn’t know I would be diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder or that it would feel like my whole world has been flipped upside down.

My point is, life is so unpredictable and I am going to have moments in the future where I think, “Holy crap, nothing could be worse right now” or “This is the best moment of my life!”

I wanted to write and publish a little note to my future self for reasons I am unsure of. Whether it is in hopes to inspire, scorn, laugh or reminisce, I hope that my future self can make some sense out of the things I wish to tell her.

So here it goes…Notes to my future self:

  1. You are 20 and you are wild. Not wild as in party all night and sleep all day, but wild as in free. You have felt trapped within your mind. I hope that by now have found purpose, but as a 20 year old I wish that you stop overthinking and begin to take risks. Hopefully within this year you will find balance, you will explore and you will learn. I guess only you, my future self, knows.
  2. You have no idea what you want to do with yourself. Right now, a Yoga teacher seems like the most freeing profession you would like to undertake. You want to inspire others, but at the moment you’re working on yourself to do so. I hope you are a groovy Yoga teacher spreading positivity and good vibes to all that meet you. If you’re not, that’s ok, you have sure as hell had an adventure getting to where you are. Don’t regret a thing. No regrets, just lessons.
  3. You do not want a baby… EVER….Ok, maybe you do… But you want to give it back after a couple of hours. Hold onto those thoughts when you decide it is family time. You want to be completely stable when you bring a life into the world… don’t get in head over heels, do right by yourself, your other half and the life you bring.
  4. You’ve learnt that blood doesn’t always make family. Your guard is always up. I hope that you don’t allow those people to hurt you again, but also hope you find a way to allow people in.
  5. A few years ago High School was such a horrible time of your life. Whatever is going on right now, I’m sure it’s not as bad as sweaty, pushy teenagers sending you threats and the fear of an unknown future… And if it is, find solace in knowing you have overcome so much. Right now, you are 20 year old with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and you’re just about to force yourself onto a plane, then a cruise, and then into work placement. You got this.
  6. You are scared now, of everything, but you’re ignoring that fear to keep moving forward. I hope you tackle it to the ground and rub its nose in the dirt. One day fear won’t control you.
  7. Last but not least… I love you. I love you for who you are now and who you were before. I will love myself forever because I know how important it is to feel love.

 

 

“How to Deal When in a Shitty Place” from Apprehensive Girl 101

We all get into a bad headspace every once in a while. Unfortunately, mine has lasted the last couple of weeks and at the expense of my poor boyfriends patience and goodwill.

I couldn’t tell you how to snap out of a bad mood for the life of me, but I can share some advice on how I make (and how I am trying to make) this terrible time a little less aggravating.

I am super stressed right now. I know, I know, so is everyone else… However, due to my personality and MAINLY my anxiety my emotions can be a teeny weeny incy little bit over dramatised…I mean I have a heart attack when the sheets aren’t on the bed perfectly.

This stress stems from a lot of things right now. Pressure and expectations being the main offender. As of lately I have heard comments about my anxiety being used as ‘an excuse’ and that I should be working and doing all these things a normal 20 year old is supposed to do. The pressure of others and their expectations has been just sitting in the back of my mind and with each word it is just slowly expanding, I feel like my head is going to explode.

I get very emotional when people judge me or talk about me in a nasty way and I think these comments in particular have weighed me down. I start workplacement soon though so I hope that helps the weight subside. In saying that though this leads to another stress factor… HOW THE HELL CAN I WORK WHEN I STILL STRUGGLE TO GO TO A MOVIE?!

You can imagine the anxiety I am having over that even though it is still over a month away. PRESSURE THOUGH.

My partner and I go on a holiday in 3 weeks and I am already freaking out about whether I’ll be sick, whether I’ll be able to sit through the hour and a half flight, whether I’ll be able to catch a train (nightmare for my anxiety!) and just whether or not I’ll be nervous about everything! Like jeez Teigan, get a grip.

This then leads on to the fact that my partner leaves for his training in the Defence Force in October and I have no idea how life will be without him! I’ve been living with him for the past year and before that he was the person who saved me from the horrid place I had previously lived in. He is the only person who knows my anxiety almost as much as myself and he is simply my rock.

Aside from a few other smaller issues, can you see why this anxious mind is working over time?

“Take it as it comes, Teigan. Go with the flow,” you might all say, but let me tell you this… It’s not that easy.

So here I am, sharing with you, how I am currently coping with the mess in my head.

Today my method of finding some ease was to buy a weekly planner. I have no clue if I’ll use it… I used to buy diaries and write in them for a week only to never lay eyes on them again. However I found some relief in feeling  a little bit more organised. I intend to use it and incorporate it as a daily strategy to any ‘scheduling’ anxiety issues.

I also like to do Yoga. Cliche you may say but in the right environment it’s just you getting out of your head by getting into your head… you know what I mean?

Following on from that, exercise. Cannot stress this enough. When I feel good about my body, I feel good about myself and I see things more positively. It just works.

Another strategy… I blog. On here, on BayArt, on TurnHerPassion. I write and usually it is just my feelings being typed out through my aggressive fingers and it is relieving.

With all this I try to practice mindfulness, although I know jack crap about it. I like to watch and read things on this beautiful way of life and I wish to one day be completely mindful of the world and myself and to just be observant and non responsive. When I know enough on this topic I would love to write about it too. If you’d like to share anything about it with me, please feel free to comment or find me through social media.

I am beginning to think this post has lost its structure but the thoughts are flowing so I can’t stop, but I am glad you are still here.

Another release I tend to use a lot is anger. Not the most practical nor the most efficient. This is where I hope mindfulness comes into play… I get so angry and my partner takes the lash of my snaps and comments. I am aware of this now, so I hope with the awareness I will be able to control it. I intend to not hold it in, but release it in another form. Through typing, through physical activity or something else. I intend to release the anger through anything but hurtful words or actions.

I find comfort in food. NO, not junk food. In sourcing ‘good for your body’ foods. I enjoy looking online, through shops, researching and discovering things about new/healthy foods. I enjoy cooking, eating and trying these foods and living healthily. As I said before, I feel better when I feel good about my body and that comes with what I do and what I put in my body.

I like to talk as well, about my problems. I find a big rant can be so relieving and this can take off some of the tension I feel. Sometimes it’s hard though. Don’t get me wrong, talking about how you feel can be extremely difficult. Once it’s done though (and to the right person with a kind listening ear) my little heart feels a lot lighter.

I feel like I’ve wandered off a little bit on this post and I don’t think it turned out to be as useful or structured as I’d originally planned. I would conclude with something great but I am really dying to drink my tea and watch The Vikings…

With that being said I want to give you a little bit of a reminder that it is ok not to be ok. I am positive person ( I like to think) but I too feel sadness, anger, resentment, nerves and so forth. To be emotional is not something to be embarrassed off, it’s how you deal with those emotions that define you. You could be anxious, but that’s ok. Acknowledge that anxiety, don’t be consumed. Hard I know but I think together we’ll learn.

(Not proof reading as I am currently too interested in the life of Ragnar Lothbrook, so please enjoy me, unedited)

 

Shady’s Back

Oh hi there blog… I’m sorry, a lot has happened and I haven’t intentionally neglected you. Well in a way I have… I have just wanted to take everything in and the spill it all out on here when I really felt the need too.

So… I got my license! And a car! Horray for this anxious beauty! I must admit… I bawled after I’d finished the driving test. It was a lot of stress and my mind was struggling to process it- I cried even more once I’d found out I passed.

I think passing my driving test was a real hurdle that I managed to sort of pull myself up over. It’s opened the door to so many other things and it’s exciting but I wasn’t prepared for how daunting it is too. I’m so overwhelmed with my achievement that for a few days there I thought I could take on anything… And then when I tried and I failed I spiralled down.

We went to MovieWorld and I was so confident once I went on one ride, the anxiety would go away… But it didn’t, and this was a huge set back for me.

A continued appointments and my usual apprehensive self potted a long like usual until I finally got my car. Having it was meant to be great but ended up being super stressful. Now I had to drive on my own. TERRIFYING. I cried a lot, and made a lot of nervous mistakes (none life threatening and all simple) but I’ve kept driving and I’m glad.

Now my partner and I are staying at his Mum’s house while she is in Ireland. We are helping his older sister watch the younger sister (as she is a nurse and works odd shifts & my partner works odd shifts) so I am always here willing and able to pick his little sister up from dance or school and to watch her and just help out. It’s been a crazy experience for me.

I’ve loved it but I’ve also had my down moments. I’m very anxious if I have to drive somewhere I haven’t driven. I don’t know how to get there and I have to have my partner show me on google maps so I am prepared and I know what lane to be in etc.

I’m getting better though and I pray with time I will be able to just jump in the car and not think, just drive.

Dinners are also a struggle. As I’ve said before, I hate being stuck or feeling trapped and even though I am not stuck at the dinner table I feel like it. I feel rude to leave if I feel the need too and I panic majorly if there is any silence.

Week 1, with some major struggles is down. Week 2 is up next.

So far I’ve done well. Definitely had some bad days though. I haven’t slept away from home like this in almost 3 years. You can imagine the change is throwing me off. Physically I get very sick, and mentally I am so exhausted.

But hey, it’s all about exposing myself to these uncomfortable situations right? As my psychologist says anyway.

My partner likes to say, “You’ve got to be uncomfortable for a little in order to feel comfortable.”

And I get it, I do, I just want to always be comfortable. Haha.

A Little Younger and A lot Dumber – Tonights Random Thoughts With Teigan

I’ve always heard that depression stems from staying in the past and anxiety stems from looking too far into the future, but I swear a lot of my anxiety stems from past situations.

About 20 minutes ago as I was scrubbing my underarms in a warm shower and I started to do some serious thinking. Isn’t the shower where all our ingenious ideas evolve? Well tonight that wasn’t the case.

Instead I took this time to really dwell on what a horrible person I was. Not in a ‘I’m such a bad person please give me your sympathy’ kind of way, but in a ‘hey, I really used to be a dick subconsciously to people who didn’t deserve it’ kind of way.

My actions were always selfish, unintentionally, but I was always looking for anything that would benefit me. In high school I was always after friends, always after boys, I nearly lost everything about me because I let my selfishness get in the way. I am lucky my now friends stood by me through that time.

I thought if I gave myself up entirely people would have to like me. Along the way I made some enemies, stepped on some toes and gave myself a bad name. I can swear on my life all the people I hurt I never did it with any intention to do so. My vision was blurred because I was so focused on ME and in the wrong way. I didn’t take care of myself, of my mind, of my heart and of my soul. I let myself get trampled on over and over again in hope that people would just like- not one person was enough, I needed to be liked by all and when I got the attention I was happy.

I remember one day I was so preoccupied with socialising and fitting in and impressing others that I completely forgot (or just shook off) that my BEST FRIEND was moving to Gladstone and that day would be the last day we would all hang out together. Instead of spending time with her I left with a bunch of friends. At that point in time I was forgetting the minority was better than the majority.

I continued to make some mistakes, and when people got mad (in reality I only ever upset one person but they made their own little army that hated me) I thought poor me. Now I realise I was responsible for my actions.

One person took everything I did very seriously and began to bully me excessively. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve to be called out on my actions, but the way it happened was horrible.

The threats, the phone calls, the name calling, the social media posts and the rumours were constant after graduation. When my partner (not at the time) stood up for me against the army of bullies he was then outcast as well. This was a wake up call to me in two ways…

  1. I only then realised I had such a kind hearted person who loved me, and that I didn’t need a majority when I was so blessed with a caring minority
  2. I was above my previous actions and I needed to change in order to appreciate these people

And so I fell in love with Josh and I focused on being a better friend. I did try to forget the past and I don’t think I’ve ever apologised to the person who bullied me. One day I think I should. I am not entirely in the wrong, the person took everything way too far, but I should apologise for not realising my actions would hurt them. I do not regret my past, I regret the people I hurt a long the way and the kind of person I was trying to be.

It’s not as horrible as I am making out to be, we’ve all been a little selfish here and there… But I think my anxiety amplifies my feelings of guilt and self worth so that’s what was on my mind tonight.

I want to be a better person than I used to be and I think I am, I hope I am.