A Shit Time 

I feel exactly like Bruce Willis does right now as he shoots the paper target angrily screaming, “God dammit! God dammit!” In a Good Day to Die Hard- which is playing as I write.

Except I would be doing that while the tears flow uncontrollably and with a very heavy chest.

My anxiety got the better of me tonight and what a set back it has been.

My partner wanted to go into the city for his birthday with a bunch of his friends, family and me, and hire a hotel and hit some clubs.

I survived all the day, the beginning of the night, but just as we went to leave I broke. Panic took me and I couldn’t get out of it.

My partner wanted to hug me and tell me it was okay and I was brilliant for getting this far but every time he tried I didn’t want him to touch me.

I felt I didn’t deserve to be reassured and that I was pathetic for even thinking I could be there tonight.

Of course I regret those thoughts now, and I am little further out of that dark apprehensive part of the mind to know this won’t hold me back but I still just feel so useless right now.

I feel horrible.

So far I still feel crap, but I’m still positive I won’t let this incident damper any further journeys out of the comfort zone.

The chest pain has gone, the prickly skin has gone back to normal and I’m left with the usual belly ache that makes me even more anxious- but I’m ok! I know I am. I same safe. And I tried.

Soul Searching

Every six months I am obligated to see a nurse at my local doctors. We reevaluate the plan of attack on my Generalised Anxiety Disorder and see what is working and what is not. I always love our little meetings. From day one she was supportive and shared her experiences with the mental illness and also self discovery.

When first meeting her I had a small awakening. It wasn’t much, but she opened me up to being a little bit more accepting of my own nature. She was mindful and it inspired me to be the same.

After a few appointments she informed me that she could see I was a very sensitive person to the world around me. This was the ultimate epiphany. I was oblivious to the fact that I was so sensitive to not only my own thoughts and feelings, but to others and their thoughts and feelings, and when she explained this some things began to make sense.

I could understand now why arguments with friends and families took a very big toll on me, or why the mood of waitress would determine how I felt for the rest of the night. A smiling baby would bring about happy tears and an argument between friends in the street would make me mad.

I consume the universe around me and only now do I feel I am understanding this.

I’m not sure if this will aid in my determination to beat my anxiety but I know it will aid in finding myself. Discovering I was lost has shone a light. I guess you could call my anxiety a blessing… I’ve learnt so much about myself from it.

Before all of this, I would just do what is expected of me. Be intelligent, not too much intelligent, don’t ask questions, do ask questions, go to school, go to University, know what you’re going to do with your life, live a little, don’t waste time; the list goes on. I still am, in a way, a follower but now I am not so naive. My mind is open even when my mouth is not. I am on this journey to mindfulness, to self discovery; I am a soul searcher!

The term soul searcher has really stuck with me since beginning to read Emma Mildon’s incredibly enlightening book, The Soul Searchers Handbook: A Modern Girl’s Guide to the New Age World.

Although only a quarter of the way into the book I’ve already discovered how much of an “enlightened” person I am. She explains how a lighted soul is someone that feels connected to the suffering but also the growth of other beings. I wish there was another word I could use here, but again, I’ve discovered that my sensitivity is due to my enlightenment.

I am so open to others and there ideas or suffering. I am accepting and now I know I am happy to be so. I always thought I was so dramatic to feel and be so affected by the world around me. People I know just ponder through life so untouched by the things they see, feel or hear from others. I didn’t understand why and thought I was a drama queen.

Maybe a lot of other people need to “walk out of confinement” as Emma Mildon writes and it’s not me who needs to move backwards, it’s others who need to move forwards.

I feel this is the beginning of my spiritual journey, so I wish to share it all with you. Although I have other people and other experiences that have aided in my road to self discovery (a long one that I’ve just realised I was on and it has a lot of bumps), I thought to share these with you as it is the first thing that has really resonated with me.

Yes, I love Yoga. Yes, I love meditation and crystals and a bunch of things, but this simple connection between my mind and soul has been a real eye opener.  Discovering my enlightenment has helped me get to know a huge part of myself.

So you’re witnessing the beginning of Teigan’s never ending soul searching road trip! Exciting, I hope you stick around.

Sydney Diaries- An Anxious Woman

DAY 1- 7.50am, Thurs. 15th of September

 

I am currently cramped between the window of a very small airplane and my sleeping boyfriend. Being up at 3am with about 3 hours sleep has taken its toll on him… And me, we are exhausted. I’m typing this on my phone from the plane on our way to Sydney. We still have 25 minutes left of the flight and I have nothing to do except stare at all the other people sleeping. Not very entertaining, unless of course

 

DAY 2- 7.00am, Fri. 16th of September

 

Sorry about that! My partner awoke from his slumber mid sentence and then after that yesterday was just GO go go. Surprisingly, I went really well yesterday. My anxiety was low for most of the day and it was great. It gave me the confidence I need for this trip.

On the plane, for a few seconds I felt enclosed and my skin got hot and my stomach rumbled but it went away and that’s the focus. It will go away, it won’t kill me. I was also overwhelmed by the amount of people in Sydney yesterday. The big city is so daunting and people are so inconsiderate. I could see how this place could drive someone mad… pushing and shoving, in and out of peoples personal space. But I thoroughly enjoyed seeing another, more fast paced way of living.

We walking around the city, through the wax museum, to Harbour Bridge, To the Opera House, it was beautiful. By the afternoon we were exhausted and laid around until 5pm where we walked to the casino ( I hobbled with blistered feet) and bet the tiniest amount because we’re tight asses.

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My anxiety began to spark a little knowing the big day we had today, so last night I was relieved to get out of my head when I got into bed. Ahhh, too tired to think is perfect. We’re headed over on a ferry to put cruise, I’ll check in when I can.

 

DAY 3- No idea what time it is, Sat. 17th, September

 

We made it on the ship! It was such a long walk. We walked about 10kms yesterday trying to get here. The waterfront entrance was so far from where we needed to be. However we made it, thanks to the help of a little old lady & also my partner. She literally yelled out at us and asked if we were walking to the cruise terminal. When replying yes, she was pretty shocked as she said it is such a long way, even though we could see the cruise ship right beside us! There just wasn’t a way down the cliff side and to the dock without following the LONG winding road.

The ship is huge. We booked in a spot in the thermal room at the spa, checked out all the shops and gym, had a cocktail, browsed the casino and ate from the buffet. The annoying thing is though I felt awful so we went to bed at 8.00pm! What a way to spend the first night. I just wasn’t used to the rocking, I felt dehydrated and my anxiety was begun inning to make me panic- I had spent all day in small rooms around lots of people and I think the realisation was catching up with me.

I’m awake wondering if I should wake up Josh because I’m bored. Let’s hope today goes well…. Positive for no anxiety attacks.

Day 4- Again, no idea of the time, Sun. 18th, September

 

Update: have not had legitimate sea sickness. Been anxious as hell though. So paranoid of getting sick, which then makes me sick. Crazy hey? This is our last full day on the ship and I’m extremely anxious for the trip home tomorrow. I am worrying about worrying, how ridiculous. I’ll let you know what we got up too today.

 

I AM HOME!

 

I am extremely sorry about jumping so much throughout this, I was trying to document as well as I could but also live in the moment. Our last full day on the ship was nice. We saw some comedy shows which were brilliant! If you ever get the chance google Mark Twain (stage name is Bob Down), Hung Lee and some red headed woman named Kat! Oh they were a laugh.

The Marquee room where they had their shows was VERY rocky and made me feel very ill. I was anxious to sit near people, in a small and dark room, so there was a lot of, “I want to leave soon,” said to my partner. But I didn’t leave, and with each joke my chest got a little lighter. We also met some beautiful people and had some awesome conversations. I squeezed Josh’s hand and shook my head when a waitress said we’d be seated at a joint table. Well, it worked out well. Although my anxiety was high, I hid it until it eventually subsided and conversation flew naturally.

The commune home was exhausting. Hurrah for land but damn my legs were tired! We caught a very from the terminal to Circular Quay and wandered aimlessly until about 10.ooam wondering what to do. Our flight wasn’t until 6.00pm, which was a good plan to see more of Sydney until we realised we didn’t know what else to see. I began to feel very ill, I think from being on solid ground and from the anxiety of the flight.

I looked over at a giant wall and realised there was Chinese gardens in Darling Harbour. The best $6 we ever spent. It was beautiful. Josh also bought me a beautiful tea and we sipped it in the most tranquil place I had ever been. You wouldn’t have imagined it was in the middle of the city. The gardens were called The Chinese Garden of Friendship and the tea was Pin something or other…. I can’t remember.

After a few hours there we communed to the airport, where we ate food and felt so sick. Anxiety was high as we boarded the plane and I doubted myself if I could make the trip home. In my mind I tried to be mindful of my feelings but not feed them, eventually I felt alright and the flight home was easy.

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So, these are  the anxious entries of an apprehensive woman. I know I haven’t given you a lot to work with here but I plan to document my anxiety more on my next travels, alongside my adventures in order to be mindful of what my body and mind are doing.

 

Here is a link to my video of our trip.

Note To My Future Self

In years to come I am going to experience things and do things I know I wouldn’t have even imagined doing at this moment. I had no idea coming out of high school that I would be able to complete a year at University, get my license or learn how to sort of “adult”. I also didn’t know I would be diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder or that it would feel like my whole world has been flipped upside down.

My point is, life is so unpredictable and I am going to have moments in the future where I think, “Holy crap, nothing could be worse right now” or “This is the best moment of my life!”

I wanted to write and publish a little note to my future self for reasons I am unsure of. Whether it is in hopes to inspire, scorn, laugh or reminisce, I hope that my future self can make some sense out of the things I wish to tell her.

So here it goes…Notes to my future self:

  1. You are 20 and you are wild. Not wild as in party all night and sleep all day, but wild as in free. You have felt trapped within your mind. I hope that by now have found purpose, but as a 20 year old I wish that you stop overthinking and begin to take risks. Hopefully within this year you will find balance, you will explore and you will learn. I guess only you, my future self, knows.
  2. You have no idea what you want to do with yourself. Right now, a Yoga teacher seems like the most freeing profession you would like to undertake. You want to inspire others, but at the moment you’re working on yourself to do so. I hope you are a groovy Yoga teacher spreading positivity and good vibes to all that meet you. If you’re not, that’s ok, you have sure as hell had an adventure getting to where you are. Don’t regret a thing. No regrets, just lessons.
  3. You do not want a baby… EVER….Ok, maybe you do… But you want to give it back after a couple of hours. Hold onto those thoughts when you decide it is family time. You want to be completely stable when you bring a life into the world… don’t get in head over heels, do right by yourself, your other half and the life you bring.
  4. You’ve learnt that blood doesn’t always make family. Your guard is always up. I hope that you don’t allow those people to hurt you again, but also hope you find a way to allow people in.
  5. A few years ago High School was such a horrible time of your life. Whatever is going on right now, I’m sure it’s not as bad as sweaty, pushy teenagers sending you threats and the fear of an unknown future… And if it is, find solace in knowing you have overcome so much. Right now, you are 20 year old with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and you’re just about to force yourself onto a plane, then a cruise, and then into work placement. You got this.
  6. You are scared now, of everything, but you’re ignoring that fear to keep moving forward. I hope you tackle it to the ground and rub its nose in the dirt. One day fear won’t control you.
  7. Last but not least… I love you. I love you for who you are now and who you were before. I will love myself forever because I know how important it is to feel love.

 

 

“How to Deal When in a Shitty Place” from Apprehensive Girl 101

We all get into a bad headspace every once in a while. Unfortunately, mine has lasted the last couple of weeks and at the expense of my poor boyfriends patience and goodwill.

I couldn’t tell you how to snap out of a bad mood for the life of me, but I can share some advice on how I make (and how I am trying to make) this terrible time a little less aggravating.

I am super stressed right now. I know, I know, so is everyone else… However, due to my personality and MAINLY my anxiety my emotions can be a teeny weeny incy little bit over dramatised…I mean I have a heart attack when the sheets aren’t on the bed perfectly.

This stress stems from a lot of things right now. Pressure and expectations being the main offender. As of lately I have heard comments about my anxiety being used as ‘an excuse’ and that I should be working and doing all these things a normal 20 year old is supposed to do. The pressure of others and their expectations has been just sitting in the back of my mind and with each word it is just slowly expanding, I feel like my head is going to explode.

I get very emotional when people judge me or talk about me in a nasty way and I think these comments in particular have weighed me down. I start workplacement soon though so I hope that helps the weight subside. In saying that though this leads to another stress factor… HOW THE HELL CAN I WORK WHEN I STILL STRUGGLE TO GO TO A MOVIE?!

You can imagine the anxiety I am having over that even though it is still over a month away. PRESSURE THOUGH.

My partner and I go on a holiday in 3 weeks and I am already freaking out about whether I’ll be sick, whether I’ll be able to sit through the hour and a half flight, whether I’ll be able to catch a train (nightmare for my anxiety!) and just whether or not I’ll be nervous about everything! Like jeez Teigan, get a grip.

This then leads on to the fact that my partner leaves for his training in the Defence Force in October and I have no idea how life will be without him! I’ve been living with him for the past year and before that he was the person who saved me from the horrid place I had previously lived in. He is the only person who knows my anxiety almost as much as myself and he is simply my rock.

Aside from a few other smaller issues, can you see why this anxious mind is working over time?

“Take it as it comes, Teigan. Go with the flow,” you might all say, but let me tell you this… It’s not that easy.

So here I am, sharing with you, how I am currently coping with the mess in my head.

Today my method of finding some ease was to buy a weekly planner. I have no clue if I’ll use it… I used to buy diaries and write in them for a week only to never lay eyes on them again. However I found some relief in feeling  a little bit more organised. I intend to use it and incorporate it as a daily strategy to any ‘scheduling’ anxiety issues.

I also like to do Yoga. Cliche you may say but in the right environment it’s just you getting out of your head by getting into your head… you know what I mean?

Following on from that, exercise. Cannot stress this enough. When I feel good about my body, I feel good about myself and I see things more positively. It just works.

Another strategy… I blog. On here, on BayArt, on TurnHerPassion. I write and usually it is just my feelings being typed out through my aggressive fingers and it is relieving.

With all this I try to practice mindfulness, although I know jack crap about it. I like to watch and read things on this beautiful way of life and I wish to one day be completely mindful of the world and myself and to just be observant and non responsive. When I know enough on this topic I would love to write about it too. If you’d like to share anything about it with me, please feel free to comment or find me through social media.

I am beginning to think this post has lost its structure but the thoughts are flowing so I can’t stop, but I am glad you are still here.

Another release I tend to use a lot is anger. Not the most practical nor the most efficient. This is where I hope mindfulness comes into play… I get so angry and my partner takes the lash of my snaps and comments. I am aware of this now, so I hope with the awareness I will be able to control it. I intend to not hold it in, but release it in another form. Through typing, through physical activity or something else. I intend to release the anger through anything but hurtful words or actions.

I find comfort in food. NO, not junk food. In sourcing ‘good for your body’ foods. I enjoy looking online, through shops, researching and discovering things about new/healthy foods. I enjoy cooking, eating and trying these foods and living healthily. As I said before, I feel better when I feel good about my body and that comes with what I do and what I put in my body.

I like to talk as well, about my problems. I find a big rant can be so relieving and this can take off some of the tension I feel. Sometimes it’s hard though. Don’t get me wrong, talking about how you feel can be extremely difficult. Once it’s done though (and to the right person with a kind listening ear) my little heart feels a lot lighter.

I feel like I’ve wandered off a little bit on this post and I don’t think it turned out to be as useful or structured as I’d originally planned. I would conclude with something great but I am really dying to drink my tea and watch The Vikings…

With that being said I want to give you a little bit of a reminder that it is ok not to be ok. I am positive person ( I like to think) but I too feel sadness, anger, resentment, nerves and so forth. To be emotional is not something to be embarrassed off, it’s how you deal with those emotions that define you. You could be anxious, but that’s ok. Acknowledge that anxiety, don’t be consumed. Hard I know but I think together we’ll learn.

(Not proof reading as I am currently too interested in the life of Ragnar Lothbrook, so please enjoy me, unedited)

 

The Road So Far

Since I’ve had a fairly new flow of traffic to my little blog I thought I would share a little bit more about myself and my fitness journey… I find this a little daunting as I am not a topic of interest but maybe there may be some inspiration here.

Last year after finally being given a medical diagnosis to the horrible fear and weight I carried around on my shoulders (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), I began to realise I wasn’t just carrying weight mentally. Physically my face was a lot rounder than it used to be, and my stomach made me look pregnant (sometimes this was due to anxiety as it would make me ill).

I realised that I was bigger than the norm. I wasn’t healthy and the weight gain had happened (in my eyes) so suddenly.

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Me at the beginning of 2016 at an unhealthy 79 kg. 

I had always tried to lose weight… I just always did it the wrong way. I would do a few push ups or try a HIIT workout at home and get upset when I didn’t see the results. Not only was my anxiety in the process of blooming, my health was weighing down my mind as well. I got anxious for photos (And I never worry about photos- I am the selfie queen!) and felt disgusting in everything I wore.

I don’t know when the switch flicked and I developed a more healthy lifestyle. After some research and some questions I eventually began to cut out big bad carbs like bread and potato. With that change alone, walking up a 700m mountain every couple of days and drinking a lot of water I already began to feel lighter.

All of this was with the advice of others but especially the help of my partner who drove me to this mountain when I didn’t have license because I was too anxious. On the days I couldn’t climb a mountain I tried to go for walks with our dog. Eventually I tried to change my diet to eating raw and natural foods, anything processed and packaged was not on the list. I started to think of my fuelling my body with food not just eating because I wanted something.

Bananas became a staple food. Although full of natural sugars (which means too much can be not so good for you) I could make anything from those suckers. Pancakes, biscuits, smoothies, banana bread, ice cream, it is a never ending list.

Sourcing out the processed food for the natural foods was the best decision ever. I still make mistakes though, a lot of them. It’s only been about 4 months of complete change and some days I still reach for the tub of chocolate chip ice cream, but I’ve also learnt how to control those cravings and I’ve learnt how to not BINGE!

Those walks I began eventually turned into jogs with my partner and I signed up at his gym. By this point I had probably went down from 79kg (174 pounds) to about 75.5kg (166 pounds).

Although I don’t necessarily believe you be defined by a number on the scales.. Nor do I believe that 79kg is an unhealthy weight for everybody. You can be whatever size you please, no judgement from me, as long as you feel comfortable in your own body. I however did not feel comfortable in my own body at that weight.

My first goal was 75kg and then I would aim for the big one which was 70kg. Gym became super fun, although I could only go once or twice a week. Our mountain climbing scheduled was put on hold for a while as my partner got super busy. I began to jog on the treadmill for a bit instead of just walking. I learnt more about cardio and strength training, I learnt more about calorie intake and healthy foods. This  new lifestyle was becoming fun!

Come June I ran my first 1km on the treadmill without walking. To a lot of people this might not be an achievement but to me this was my body telling me it was healthier and it was strong. I was strong!

I began to compare myself less to the other people in the gym or the fitness freaks I saw on social media.

Then when I hit 72kg I began to plato. The weight didn’t come off as quickly and this made it  a lot harder to stay motivated. I kept at it though, every time I slipped up I would try again.

I’m now 67.5 kg with my new goal being 65kg. Pretty crazy stuff huh? I’ve hit a plato again, I keep slipping up with chocolate biscuits. When I’m stressed those sweets look so darn good. But it’s okay to treat yourself and it’s okay to indulge, a little indulging is better than some serious binging.

So here I am today, healthy and happier and pushing to reach my goal right now.

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It’s not impossible to smash a goal, even with a mental illness, there is always a way to reach for exactly what you want.

 

 

 

Emotional Bangs

I know what you’re thinking… “NO, you shouldn’t do it!”

Oh but I did it.

Do you ever go through phases where you’re into a particular item of clothing, or you dig a really bold lipstick?
I go through phases like that, a lot. I never act on those ‘wants’ (they are usually crazy) because change scares the living shit out of me.

Well a few days ago I made a decision of a life time- not really, probably one of the most minuscule decisions in comparison to others.

My partner left that morning for a weekend away and I was left wandering the house with my thoughts. To ask about bangs when my hairdresser arrives or to leave it alone?

My mind was telling me, “Do it! what could go wrong?!”
Those thoughts were then followed by, “Everything! Everything could go wrong!!”

Well I did it. I was in an emotional state. From friendships being in some crossfire, failed birthday plans, anxiety getting the better of me,  relatives pissing me right off; I was very prepared to move on my emotions. Tired, menstruating and over peoples shit left me in a ‘time for change’ state of mind.

So when my hairdresser arrived a little after 10.00am that morning I was ready to totally change my identity. She asked if I wanted a fringe- a question I always answer NO too- and out of the blue I said, “YES!”

She was as excited as I was but I’m sure she wasn’t as nervous.

They turned out fine. I love them. I hate when one side curls more than the other, but that’s my hair naturally. I took a plunge and it wasn’t a big change nor was it a small one. It was just simple and I like it.

Not a big deal, but my heart felt like it was.

Now this anxious gal is rockin’ some emotional bangs and just saying, it looks awesome.

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Good Morning

It is a beautiful Saturday morning and I have no set plans for today. I think I will send some emails, do some work on the computer, do a little yoga and then resort to a nice cool afternoon playing The Witcher. Getting in touch with mother nature, right?

I haven’t spent a full day at home in a little while and I think it’ll be nice.

Updates on my anxiety? I’m still a nervous wreck, but in all honesty I’ve seen so much self improvement. I can sit out for coffees now without it being the worlds end. I drive. I go places by myself. I even had a dentist appointment that I didn’t completely freak out for. They aren’t huge improvements, my anxiety still lurks over my shoulder like a shadow, but any improvement is better than none.

So I’m going to go now and spend the day however I spend it.

Sending love your way. xx

Shady’s Back

Oh hi there blog… I’m sorry, a lot has happened and I haven’t intentionally neglected you. Well in a way I have… I have just wanted to take everything in and the spill it all out on here when I really felt the need too.

So… I got my license! And a car! Horray for this anxious beauty! I must admit… I bawled after I’d finished the driving test. It was a lot of stress and my mind was struggling to process it- I cried even more once I’d found out I passed.

I think passing my driving test was a real hurdle that I managed to sort of pull myself up over. It’s opened the door to so many other things and it’s exciting but I wasn’t prepared for how daunting it is too. I’m so overwhelmed with my achievement that for a few days there I thought I could take on anything… And then when I tried and I failed I spiralled down.

We went to MovieWorld and I was so confident once I went on one ride, the anxiety would go away… But it didn’t, and this was a huge set back for me.

A continued appointments and my usual apprehensive self potted a long like usual until I finally got my car. Having it was meant to be great but ended up being super stressful. Now I had to drive on my own. TERRIFYING. I cried a lot, and made a lot of nervous mistakes (none life threatening and all simple) but I’ve kept driving and I’m glad.

Now my partner and I are staying at his Mum’s house while she is in Ireland. We are helping his older sister watch the younger sister (as she is a nurse and works odd shifts & my partner works odd shifts) so I am always here willing and able to pick his little sister up from dance or school and to watch her and just help out. It’s been a crazy experience for me.

I’ve loved it but I’ve also had my down moments. I’m very anxious if I have to drive somewhere I haven’t driven. I don’t know how to get there and I have to have my partner show me on google maps so I am prepared and I know what lane to be in etc.

I’m getting better though and I pray with time I will be able to just jump in the car and not think, just drive.

Dinners are also a struggle. As I’ve said before, I hate being stuck or feeling trapped and even though I am not stuck at the dinner table I feel like it. I feel rude to leave if I feel the need too and I panic majorly if there is any silence.

Week 1, with some major struggles is down. Week 2 is up next.

So far I’ve done well. Definitely had some bad days though. I haven’t slept away from home like this in almost 3 years. You can imagine the change is throwing me off. Physically I get very sick, and mentally I am so exhausted.

But hey, it’s all about exposing myself to these uncomfortable situations right? As my psychologist says anyway.

My partner likes to say, “You’ve got to be uncomfortable for a little in order to feel comfortable.”

And I get it, I do, I just want to always be comfortable. Haha.

What a Misbehaving Mind I Had Tonight

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As the afternoon began to roll on in and the errands were run and the jobs were done, I sulked over having to continue eating healthy. It’s a hard cycle if I’m being honest… one minute I am all down for self improvement and the next I just want to cry into a big bowl of ice cream.

Although technically I have been eating healthy for a while now, I’ve only just started to control my calorie intake and really get rid of my favourite things in the world- BREAD AND ICE CREAM.

After some sulking we went for a jog/walk and it was a nice reminder that not all of this is for nothing. I can jog for much longer than I used to be able too and I think that is a massive improvement. I also don’t scare as easy when I decide to leave the house for a run and my anxiety subsides within seconds.

I read, I cleaned, I started to sulk a little more. There was a lot of self loathing today. Self loathing as I scrolled through my social media seeing these supposed ‘friends’ or acquaintances leaving subtle posts about how much better they are. I just don’t understand it. Women (men too) bring others down to build themselves up. I want nothing more than to support others, but how do I support these people that so easily could tell me how much better they are than me?

I saw these posts today and I just felt worthless. I do know their lives are not as peachy as they make it out to be on the internet but it still bothers me. The looks they give me, the slight comments that I read into, they love to point me out for all my flaws, for all that I have, but won’t take a look in their own closet.

So I dwelled (like I usually do) over why it bothered me so much that some people won’t like me and then I questioned if I was just over thinking everything.

After some self loathing I dived into the stress of my future. What the hell am I going to do as a career? All these people my age have jobs and such, am I a slob for not? But I couldn’t handle a job right now, could I? So why do I send my mind through this monotonous cycle? Oh that’s right, because I have anxiety.

I get so down that I am not working, knowing full well I am focusing on nursing my mind back to health, but I still itch when I see others throwing it in my face. People looking down at me because I am not working right now, people making me think twice about who I am and what I am doing, it’s just too much. I shouldn’t have to explain myself but why do I feel the need too?

Technically I AM working, I am pushing my mind, pushing my limits, doing things I do not want to do, trying to finish my study, trying to balance life, trying to balance my million appointments, my exposure therapy, my everything… SO dang it Teigan stop!

Anyway, I have walked around for the night dazed and with my mind battling something similar to what you just read. I’m so exhausted, I might sleep. Another big day for little ol’ Teigan tomorrow.

 

Reminder to myself:

I am 20, I do not need to know everything.

I am going to live completely and fully indulged in whatever I do, I know that much. Time to be excited and not scared.

My life is great, my only flaw is my anxiety and so far I have been taking that on head first. LET’S TRAVEL, TAKE RISKS, JUST LIVE… It’s time!!