Emotional Bangs

I know what you’re thinking… “NO, you shouldn’t do it!”

Oh but I did it.

Do you ever go through phases where you’re into a particular item of clothing, or you dig a really bold lipstick?
I go through phases like that, a lot. I never act on those ‘wants’ (they are usually crazy) because change scares the living shit out of me.

Well a few days ago I made a decision of a life time- not really, probably one of the most minuscule decisions in comparison to others.

My partner left that morning for a weekend away and I was left wandering the house with my thoughts. To ask about bangs when my hairdresser arrives or to leave it alone?

My mind was telling me, “Do it! what could go wrong?!”
Those thoughts were then followed by, “Everything! Everything could go wrong!!”

Well I did it. I was in an emotional state. From friendships being in some crossfire, failed birthday plans, anxiety getting the better of me,  relatives pissing me right off; I was very prepared to move on my emotions. Tired, menstruating and over peoples shit left me in a ‘time for change’ state of mind.

So when my hairdresser arrived a little after 10.00am that morning I was ready to totally change my identity. She asked if I wanted a fringe- a question I always answer NO too- and out of the blue I said, “YES!”

She was as excited as I was but I’m sure she wasn’t as nervous.

They turned out fine. I love them. I hate when one side curls more than the other, but that’s my hair naturally. I took a plunge and it wasn’t a big change nor was it a small one. It was just simple and I like it.

Not a big deal, but my heart felt like it was.

Now this anxious gal is rockin’ some emotional bangs and just saying, it looks awesome.

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Knowing When Enough Is Enough

Everything is crazy beautiful right now. I’m so humbled by those who surround me with love and support. My home, my belongings, my lifestyle, my achievements- all of it is a blessing.

Yet I find myself concerned with the negative aspects. Those people who try to bring me down a notch to build themselves back up. It’s hard to escape. I feel toxic when I act out emotionally at those who love me from the stress put on my shoulders by those who I’m not sure do. But I love them all, so how do I know when it is time to weed out their roots when I’m so attached.

A person/people that could hurt me over and over again and still see their doing no wrong.

A person/people that asks for my advice but never takes it.

A person/people that picks on me for what I say and how I say it.

A person/people that affiliates with those who broke my confidence.

A person/people who pretends to care.

I love people that do this and more. I don’t want to cut ties but their negativity drains my soul. Their words spark my anxiety. How do I know enough is enough?

 

 

 

Good Morning

It is a beautiful Saturday morning and I have no set plans for today. I think I will send some emails, do some work on the computer, do a little yoga and then resort to a nice cool afternoon playing The Witcher. Getting in touch with mother nature, right?

I haven’t spent a full day at home in a little while and I think it’ll be nice.

Updates on my anxiety? I’m still a nervous wreck, but in all honesty I’ve seen so much self improvement. I can sit out for coffees now without it being the worlds end. I drive. I go places by myself. I even had a dentist appointment that I didn’t completely freak out for. They aren’t huge improvements, my anxiety still lurks over my shoulder like a shadow, but any improvement is better than none.

So I’m going to go now and spend the day however I spend it.

Sending love your way. xx

Shady’s Back

Oh hi there blog… I’m sorry, a lot has happened and I haven’t intentionally neglected you. Well in a way I have… I have just wanted to take everything in and the spill it all out on here when I really felt the need too.

So… I got my license! And a car! Horray for this anxious beauty! I must admit… I bawled after I’d finished the driving test. It was a lot of stress and my mind was struggling to process it- I cried even more once I’d found out I passed.

I think passing my driving test was a real hurdle that I managed to sort of pull myself up over. It’s opened the door to so many other things and it’s exciting but I wasn’t prepared for how daunting it is too. I’m so overwhelmed with my achievement that for a few days there I thought I could take on anything… And then when I tried and I failed I spiralled down.

We went to MovieWorld and I was so confident once I went on one ride, the anxiety would go away… But it didn’t, and this was a huge set back for me.

A continued appointments and my usual apprehensive self potted a long like usual until I finally got my car. Having it was meant to be great but ended up being super stressful. Now I had to drive on my own. TERRIFYING. I cried a lot, and made a lot of nervous mistakes (none life threatening and all simple) but I’ve kept driving and I’m glad.

Now my partner and I are staying at his Mum’s house while she is in Ireland. We are helping his older sister watch the younger sister (as she is a nurse and works odd shifts & my partner works odd shifts) so I am always here willing and able to pick his little sister up from dance or school and to watch her and just help out. It’s been a crazy experience for me.

I’ve loved it but I’ve also had my down moments. I’m very anxious if I have to drive somewhere I haven’t driven. I don’t know how to get there and I have to have my partner show me on google maps so I am prepared and I know what lane to be in etc.

I’m getting better though and I pray with time I will be able to just jump in the car and not think, just drive.

Dinners are also a struggle. As I’ve said before, I hate being stuck or feeling trapped and even though I am not stuck at the dinner table I feel like it. I feel rude to leave if I feel the need too and I panic majorly if there is any silence.

Week 1, with some major struggles is down. Week 2 is up next.

So far I’ve done well. Definitely had some bad days though. I haven’t slept away from home like this in almost 3 years. You can imagine the change is throwing me off. Physically I get very sick, and mentally I am so exhausted.

But hey, it’s all about exposing myself to these uncomfortable situations right? As my psychologist says anyway.

My partner likes to say, “You’ve got to be uncomfortable for a little in order to feel comfortable.”

And I get it, I do, I just want to always be comfortable. Haha.

A Little Younger and A lot Dumber – Tonights Random Thoughts With Teigan

I’ve always heard that depression stems from staying in the past and anxiety stems from looking too far into the future, but I swear a lot of my anxiety stems from past situations.

About 20 minutes ago as I was scrubbing my underarms in a warm shower and I started to do some serious thinking. Isn’t the shower where all our ingenious ideas evolve? Well tonight that wasn’t the case.

Instead I took this time to really dwell on what a horrible person I was. Not in a ‘I’m such a bad person please give me your sympathy’ kind of way, but in a ‘hey, I really used to be a dick subconsciously to people who didn’t deserve it’ kind of way.

My actions were always selfish, unintentionally, but I was always looking for anything that would benefit me. In high school I was always after friends, always after boys, I nearly lost everything about me because I let my selfishness get in the way. I am lucky my now friends stood by me through that time.

I thought if I gave myself up entirely people would have to like me. Along the way I made some enemies, stepped on some toes and gave myself a bad name. I can swear on my life all the people I hurt I never did it with any intention to do so. My vision was blurred because I was so focused on ME and in the wrong way. I didn’t take care of myself, of my mind, of my heart and of my soul. I let myself get trampled on over and over again in hope that people would just like- not one person was enough, I needed to be liked by all and when I got the attention I was happy.

I remember one day I was so preoccupied with socialising and fitting in and impressing others that I completely forgot (or just shook off) that my BEST FRIEND was moving to Gladstone and that day would be the last day we would all hang out together. Instead of spending time with her I left with a bunch of friends. At that point in time I was forgetting the minority was better than the majority.

I continued to make some mistakes, and when people got mad (in reality I only ever upset one person but they made their own little army that hated me) I thought poor me. Now I realise I was responsible for my actions.

One person took everything I did very seriously and began to bully me excessively. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve to be called out on my actions, but the way it happened was horrible.

The threats, the phone calls, the name calling, the social media posts and the rumours were constant after graduation. When my partner (not at the time) stood up for me against the army of bullies he was then outcast as well. This was a wake up call to me in two ways…

  1. I only then realised I had such a kind hearted person who loved me, and that I didn’t need a majority when I was so blessed with a caring minority
  2. I was above my previous actions and I needed to change in order to appreciate these people

And so I fell in love with Josh and I focused on being a better friend. I did try to forget the past and I don’t think I’ve ever apologised to the person who bullied me. One day I think I should. I am not entirely in the wrong, the person took everything way too far, but I should apologise for not realising my actions would hurt them. I do not regret my past, I regret the people I hurt a long the way and the kind of person I was trying to be.

It’s not as horrible as I am making out to be, we’ve all been a little selfish here and there… But I think my anxiety amplifies my feelings of guilt and self worth so that’s what was on my mind tonight.

I want to be a better person than I used to be and I think I am, I hope I am.

 

 

What a Misbehaving Mind I Had Tonight

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As the afternoon began to roll on in and the errands were run and the jobs were done, I sulked over having to continue eating healthy. It’s a hard cycle if I’m being honest… one minute I am all down for self improvement and the next I just want to cry into a big bowl of ice cream.

Although technically I have been eating healthy for a while now, I’ve only just started to control my calorie intake and really get rid of my favourite things in the world- BREAD AND ICE CREAM.

After some sulking we went for a jog/walk and it was a nice reminder that not all of this is for nothing. I can jog for much longer than I used to be able too and I think that is a massive improvement. I also don’t scare as easy when I decide to leave the house for a run and my anxiety subsides within seconds.

I read, I cleaned, I started to sulk a little more. There was a lot of self loathing today. Self loathing as I scrolled through my social media seeing these supposed ‘friends’ or acquaintances leaving subtle posts about how much better they are. I just don’t understand it. Women (men too) bring others down to build themselves up. I want nothing more than to support others, but how do I support these people that so easily could tell me how much better they are than me?

I saw these posts today and I just felt worthless. I do know their lives are not as peachy as they make it out to be on the internet but it still bothers me. The looks they give me, the slight comments that I read into, they love to point me out for all my flaws, for all that I have, but won’t take a look in their own closet.

So I dwelled (like I usually do) over why it bothered me so much that some people won’t like me and then I questioned if I was just over thinking everything.

After some self loathing I dived into the stress of my future. What the hell am I going to do as a career? All these people my age have jobs and such, am I a slob for not? But I couldn’t handle a job right now, could I? So why do I send my mind through this monotonous cycle? Oh that’s right, because I have anxiety.

I get so down that I am not working, knowing full well I am focusing on nursing my mind back to health, but I still itch when I see others throwing it in my face. People looking down at me because I am not working right now, people making me think twice about who I am and what I am doing, it’s just too much. I shouldn’t have to explain myself but why do I feel the need too?

Technically I AM working, I am pushing my mind, pushing my limits, doing things I do not want to do, trying to finish my study, trying to balance life, trying to balance my million appointments, my exposure therapy, my everything… SO dang it Teigan stop!

Anyway, I have walked around for the night dazed and with my mind battling something similar to what you just read. I’m so exhausted, I might sleep. Another big day for little ol’ Teigan tomorrow.

 

Reminder to myself:

I am 20, I do not need to know everything.

I am going to live completely and fully indulged in whatever I do, I know that much. Time to be excited and not scared.

My life is great, my only flaw is my anxiety and so far I have been taking that on head first. LET’S TRAVEL, TAKE RISKS, JUST LIVE… It’s time!!

 

Something I will forever hold dear to my heart…

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I had the opportunity to get up close and personal with 51 penguins the other day!

Both species, King and Gentoo, are beautiful loving animals and I wish I could spend all day, every day with the funny little creatures. To my surprise they loved to play and were quite sassy when they wanted to be. Each penguin had a name that their trainers could remember.

I do believe in animal conservation and protection and if I am being honest I am not sure if these penguins (rescued) were living their lives to the fullest in their enclosure. I know the bare minimal on zoo animals so I don’t want to be criticised for spending some time with these guys… but I would like to learn more in order to know what I should and shouldn’t support.

In terms of my anxiety- I was sick most of the morning before hand and a little after. Once I was in with these gorgeous birds though I didn’t feel a thing (other than the FREEZING cold!) and I had a blast. I am so glad my mind was able to stop and just appreciate this beautiful moment…

I guess exposure therapy isn’t all that bad.

The Ramblings of A Very Tired Woman in Her Bed.

(I apologise in advance for the structure of this post. I am pouring out my thoughts as I think them so do not look for something well written to read. If you want to hear the day of an apprehensive woman then keep on reading- and thank you)

I’ve had a very non-productive day. At about 5am I woke up with pains piercing the side of my gut. I went to the bathroom, came back, lied down and then bam… my chest starts to hurt and it gets a little hard to breathe.

Now I’m not prone to panic attacks. My anxiety is usually a very upset stomach and bowel with hot flushes, pins and needles and muscle aches. It will be at random that I’ll have an attack that makes it hard to breathe. They do happen though, they’re just not as common as my ‘usual’ attacks.

I didn’t wake my partner, after the anxiety I poured on to him the previous day I didn’t want to wake him from his well earned sleep. He was up early for a morning service on Anzac Day down at Sandgate, drove home, picked me up, took me to his parents, dealt with my anger (the anxiety monster), took me with him to Sandgate AGAIN for the dusk service and then listened to me whine about how I couldn’t find a public toilet and how I dislike him so much for taking me here.

He was exhausted, and I made myself exhausted too.

So I let him sleep and then eventually drifted off myself.

I woke with cramps from hell so spent the day in bed. I get agitated laying around all day, when I have time to think it can get deep or dark and I hate it. This doesn’t mean I want to necessarily leave the house or test my anxiety- it just means I like to keep busy with productive things such as cleaning or crafts or coffee.

Well today, none of that happened except some vacuuming. We laid around all day and I didn’t complain (something new). I started reading Flowers In The Attic again which my partners Mum let me borrow ever so kindly. I also began watching Z Nation and for a corny apocalypse TV show I give it 4/5 for humour.

I think I might start doing posts about books and TV shows on here. It would be super cool to share my thoughts about the crazy worlds I like to indulge myself in.

Anyway so Anzac Day was crazy. I was going to watch my partner march in the dusk service in the afternoon and I tried to prepare myself for it by sulking around all day. I wasn’t sulking over the ceremony- I love Anzac Day and feel so blessed to live in such a beautiful country with many thanks to all who made sacrifices. I just wasn’t too comfortable with being an hour away from home by myself.

My partner also sprung it on me, during a phone call at 10.00am, that he will be home soon and we will be going to his parents for lunch. He asked me, he didn’t demand, and I wanted to go so badly so I knew the right thing to do was say yes. Nevertheless my mind and body battled over the idea of it. After my partner got home he found me crying in the bathroom when I was meant to be getting dressed.

I dealt with every thing my anxiety threw at me during that lunch and things began to settle down. My stomach didn’t hurt as bad as soon as the conversation began to flow. I love his family so much and how welcoming they are. I hate how I am such a burden- their son could have someone a million times better to show off to them.

They know of my anxiety and I can see they try to make things as easy as possible for me. It works as well, I don’t know what I would do if his family wasn’t as supportive as they are. They’re such a beautiful family sometimes I wish I had a childhood like Josh’s.

I was proud enough that the lunch went (sort of) successfully and as we drove away I could feel the nerves come on. We were getting closer and closer to where the service was held and I had to ask Josh where the bathrooms were so I knew in preparation. Google maps told us there were none in walkable distance…

I couldn’t drive, I had no car there. I couldn’t sit for 2-4 hours without a bathroom… my anxiety wouldn’t settle for that.

We were there early so my partner could practice. I decided to make it my mission to go looking for a bathroom- we were on the waterside, there had to be one!!

On the way I found myself lazily walking along the beach. I had almost forgotten my anxious need and began picking up sea shells. As I dawdled along I came across the most relieving sight… PUBLIC TOILETS!!

They were only a 5 minute walk from the service, now it felt like everything would be ok.

I walked along the beach a little longer and then retreated to the car where I read a little.

When I thought the ceremony was starting I hopped out and joined the crowd of people. Standing right up the back I found a place on the grass to sit and curled in the fetal position to warm up.

Maybe because it was cold and my body had other things to worry about but my anxiety was at bay. As I waited it didn’t increase, it just simmered and I was ok with that.

The ceremony started and I watched Josh march with the banner. I am so proud of him and everything he does. I wish I could show my support more by being at every single event.

I was so proud of him and I am so proud of myself. I am so proud that I could support him that day. I never want to miss anything he does… EVER.

Although I’m disappointed that my anxiety still came on, that I was still a little anti social and that I cried A LOT, I am proud of what I accomplished that day. It felt good to be proud again.