(I apologise in advance for the structure of this post. I am pouring out my thoughts as I think them so do not look for something well written to read. If you want to hear the day of an apprehensive woman then keep on reading- and thank you)
I’ve had a very non-productive day. At about 5am I woke up with pains piercing the side of my gut. I went to the bathroom, came back, lied down and then bam… my chest starts to hurt and it gets a little hard to breathe.
Now I’m not prone to panic attacks. My anxiety is usually a very upset stomach and bowel with hot flushes, pins and needles and muscle aches. It will be at random that I’ll have an attack that makes it hard to breathe. They do happen though, they’re just not as common as my ‘usual’ attacks.
I didn’t wake my partner, after the anxiety I poured on to him the previous day I didn’t want to wake him from his well earned sleep. He was up early for a morning service on Anzac Day down at Sandgate, drove home, picked me up, took me to his parents, dealt with my anger (the anxiety monster), took me with him to Sandgate AGAIN for the dusk service and then listened to me whine about how I couldn’t find a public toilet and how I dislike him so much for taking me here.
He was exhausted, and I made myself exhausted too.
So I let him sleep and then eventually drifted off myself.
I woke with cramps from hell so spent the day in bed. I get agitated laying around all day, when I have time to think it can get deep or dark and I hate it. This doesn’t mean I want to necessarily leave the house or test my anxiety- it just means I like to keep busy with productive things such as cleaning or crafts or coffee.
Well today, none of that happened except some vacuuming. We laid around all day and I didn’t complain (something new). I started reading Flowers In The Attic again which my partners Mum let me borrow ever so kindly. I also began watching Z Nation and for a corny apocalypse TV show I give it 4/5 for humour.
I think I might start doing posts about books and TV shows on here. It would be super cool to share my thoughts about the crazy worlds I like to indulge myself in.
Anyway so Anzac Day was crazy. I was going to watch my partner march in the dusk service in the afternoon and I tried to prepare myself for it by sulking around all day. I wasn’t sulking over the ceremony- I love Anzac Day and feel so blessed to live in such a beautiful country with many thanks to all who made sacrifices. I just wasn’t too comfortable with being an hour away from home by myself.
My partner also sprung it on me, during a phone call at 10.00am, that he will be home soon and we will be going to his parents for lunch. He asked me, he didn’t demand, and I wanted to go so badly so I knew the right thing to do was say yes. Nevertheless my mind and body battled over the idea of it. After my partner got home he found me crying in the bathroom when I was meant to be getting dressed.
I dealt with every thing my anxiety threw at me during that lunch and things began to settle down. My stomach didn’t hurt as bad as soon as the conversation began to flow. I love his family so much and how welcoming they are. I hate how I am such a burden- their son could have someone a million times better to show off to them.
They know of my anxiety and I can see they try to make things as easy as possible for me. It works as well, I don’t know what I would do if his family wasn’t as supportive as they are. They’re such a beautiful family sometimes I wish I had a childhood like Josh’s.
I was proud enough that the lunch went (sort of) successfully and as we drove away I could feel the nerves come on. We were getting closer and closer to where the service was held and I had to ask Josh where the bathrooms were so I knew in preparation. Google maps told us there were none in walkable distance…
I couldn’t drive, I had no car there. I couldn’t sit for 2-4 hours without a bathroom… my anxiety wouldn’t settle for that.
We were there early so my partner could practice. I decided to make it my mission to go looking for a bathroom- we were on the waterside, there had to be one!!
On the way I found myself lazily walking along the beach. I had almost forgotten my anxious need and began picking up sea shells. As I dawdled along I came across the most relieving sight… PUBLIC TOILETS!!
They were only a 5 minute walk from the service, now it felt like everything would be ok.
I walked along the beach a little longer and then retreated to the car where I read a little.
When I thought the ceremony was starting I hopped out and joined the crowd of people. Standing right up the back I found a place on the grass to sit and curled in the fetal position to warm up.
Maybe because it was cold and my body had other things to worry about but my anxiety was at bay. As I waited it didn’t increase, it just simmered and I was ok with that.
The ceremony started and I watched Josh march with the banner. I am so proud of him and everything he does. I wish I could show my support more by being at every single event.
I was so proud of him and I am so proud of myself. I am so proud that I could support him that day. I never want to miss anything he does… EVER.
Although I’m disappointed that my anxiety still came on, that I was still a little anti social and that I cried A LOT, I am proud of what I accomplished that day. It felt good to be proud again.