I’ve always heard that depression stems from staying in the past and anxiety stems from looking too far into the future, but I swear a lot of my anxiety stems from past situations.
About 20 minutes ago as I was scrubbing my underarms in a warm shower and I started to do some serious thinking. Isn’t the shower where all our ingenious ideas evolve? Well tonight that wasn’t the case.
Instead I took this time to really dwell on what a horrible person I was. Not in a ‘I’m such a bad person please give me your sympathy’ kind of way, but in a ‘hey, I really used to be a dick subconsciously to people who didn’t deserve it’ kind of way.
My actions were always selfish, unintentionally, but I was always looking for anything that would benefit me. In high school I was always after friends, always after boys, I nearly lost everything about me because I let my selfishness get in the way. I am lucky my now friends stood by me through that time.
I thought if I gave myself up entirely people would have to like me. Along the way I made some enemies, stepped on some toes and gave myself a bad name. I can swear on my life all the people I hurt I never did it with any intention to do so. My vision was blurred because I was so focused on ME and in the wrong way. I didn’t take care of myself, of my mind, of my heart and of my soul. I let myself get trampled on over and over again in hope that people would just like- not one person was enough, I needed to be liked by all and when I got the attention I was happy.
I remember one day I was so preoccupied with socialising and fitting in and impressing others that I completely forgot (or just shook off) that my BEST FRIEND was moving to Gladstone and that day would be the last day we would all hang out together. Instead of spending time with her I left with a bunch of friends. At that point in time I was forgetting the minority was better than the majority.
I continued to make some mistakes, and when people got mad (in reality I only ever upset one person but they made their own little army that hated me) I thought poor me. Now I realise I was responsible for my actions.
One person took everything I did very seriously and began to bully me excessively. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve to be called out on my actions, but the way it happened was horrible.
The threats, the phone calls, the name calling, the social media posts and the rumours were constant after graduation. When my partner (not at the time) stood up for me against the army of bullies he was then outcast as well. This was a wake up call to me in two ways…
- I only then realised I had such a kind hearted person who loved me, and that I didn’t need a majority when I was so blessed with a caring minority
- I was above my previous actions and I needed to change in order to appreciate these people
And so I fell in love with Josh and I focused on being a better friend. I did try to forget the past and I don’t think I’ve ever apologised to the person who bullied me. One day I think I should. I am not entirely in the wrong, the person took everything way too far, but I should apologise for not realising my actions would hurt them. I do not regret my past, I regret the people I hurt a long the way and the kind of person I was trying to be.
It’s not as horrible as I am making out to be, we’ve all been a little selfish here and there… But I think my anxiety amplifies my feelings of guilt and self worth so that’s what was on my mind tonight.
I want to be a better person than I used to be and I think I am, I hope I am.