Friday was interesting. I had another Laser & IPL appointment for my little moustache (yes I am a woman and yes I do get hair there) and it went surprisingly well.
I dislike the appointments thoroughly though. All the staff are pretty, thin and intimidating and stare at me whenever I come in. It may be because almost every appointment I stand outside the clinic… I just can’t stand waiting rooms. My stomach turns and gurgles loudly and then my chest starts to feel heavy and the tears begin to swell. The waiting sends my anxiety sky rocketing and the silence increases the panic. Nothing worse (well there is but my mind tells me different) than lingering in a silent, crowded waiting room 20 minutes.
So as you can imagine every two weeks I feel the “I can’t do this” mindset come on. Each and every time though my other half is always there for me to confide in. He deals with the tears, he deals with the anger and he deals with my pain.
Friday he wasn’t there. I told him to stay in bed all day as he had a long drive to Sydney that night. Instead, we made it a girls trip and planned for some shopping. My mum, two sisters and cousin were who I had to confide in that day and even though I am close with all of them, no one comforts me quite like he does anymore. I rely on him way too much.
I don’t tell him that enough either. How much I need him and how appreciative I am of him. My nurse described our relationship as the sea and a mountain. Josh is the mountain, he is grounded and solid (also has a great view if you know what I mean…wink wink). I am the ocean, my waves crash everywhere but I am deep with so much to explore. Together we’re beautiful and we’re a beautiful sight, from both below and above.
Ok… that sucked… my nurse explained it better but you get the picture.
So when I felt like I had to face the appointment alone my heart began to race. I was sick in the stomach, literally. Which made it even worse because my anxiety is usually, and by usually I mean always, triggered by my stomach or bowel.
I spent the morning following my usual routine before a stressful event. Walking to and from the toilet, sitting in a warm shower sulking through the pain, trying to catch my breath when possible.
I did some yoga practice (mainly handstand practice) to send some endorphins running through my wildly over stressed body. It worked for a little while, but obviously I couldn’t exercise in the car.
We got there, I ran to the bathroom. When I came out I could feel the tears just waiting for their shining moment. No one really said anything except my cousin- she’s like a best friend. I think most people just don’t understand that to me my anxiety feels like the end of the world but to them it is just another feeling- my family are very support but I don’t think they saw the mental struggle that day.
I checked in with the receptionist and all my family took a seat in the waiting room. Sometimes I feel so childish almost 90% of the time having to have someone with me at every appointment.
When I saw them sit down automatically I could feel my blood prickling against my skin. This was not good I told myself as I stood in front of them. I refused to sit down, my mind always tells me it will make things worse and then my body reacts to that and… it does.
My cousin looked at me and said, “You’ve done this before. You know you are going to be alright.”
The words were comforting. Josh says them to me a lot and although my face doesn’t show that I’m grateful for him telling me that, or my angry “you don’t understand” lecture says the opposite, I am extremely grateful.
In my mind I tried to think of something else and then suddenly my name was called and the anxious feeling disappeared. As soon as I walked in for my 2 minute lip and chin hair removal session everything was ok.
I find it funny how that works. How my mind can be so repressing that it makes me feel as though I have no control over my body. I’ll be so nervous for something that I could swear on my life I have a stomach bug or I am having a heart attack but as soon as that stressful event is over I am left with just the embarrassment of being worried in the first place.
I always feel so relieved when my appointment is done. I have a rush of adrenaline that makes me want to go out and celebrate. It’s a feeling I enjoy having even after doing something that would be so minute to another person. All achievements should be celebrated I guess… So horrah to my hairless lip!
The rest of the day went swimmingly. I even wondered for a second why I was anxious in the first place.
It’s a repetitive cycle, this anxiety business, each time just as hard, but with more exposure to appointments, social events and uncomfortable situations I hope they all just slowly become… easier.